 |
To contact me about speaking to your group or organization, click here
|
|
News Headlines...
Previously on Good Morning America:
Read Ann Pleshette Murphy in USA Weekend:
Other TV Appearances:
Be a Mother, Not Mother Teresa
As seen in The New York Sun
October, 2004
Go to the child care section of any bookstore, and you're likely to be overwhelmed by all the options - books on the care of infants, baby-naming, and how to deal with sibling rivalry or toddler tantrums. Yet there are very few books that focus specifically on mothers and the issues they face. In "The 7 Stages of Motherhood: Making the Most of Your Life as a Mom" (Alfred A. Knopf, $22.95), Ann Pleshette Murphy, a parenting writer and mother of two, examines the shifting terrain that women negotiate from pregnancy through a child's teenage years. The book is a blend of anecdotes - refreshingly honest, often hilarious - drawn from Ms. Murphy's own life and from interviews with other mothers, along with references to the work of experts such as Barry
Brazelton and Erik Erikson. Ms. Murphy, who was the editor of Parents magazine for 10 years and appears regularly on ""Good Morning America"" to talk about parenting issues, urges mothers at every stage to "turn the telescope" on themselves in an effort to understand how their experiences and insecurities shape their mothering style, and to take the time to think about what sort of values they want to impart to their children. Yet at the same time she urges mothers not to be too self-sacrificing - "you have to be a mother, not Mother Teresa," she told me when we met recently - and not to become so focused on nurturing their children that they neglect to nurture themselves. - Katie Bacon
Q: What made you decide to write this book?
A: I realized in my work at Parents magazine that while there was a lot out there that addressed kids' needs, there was very little that helped moms reflect on and nurture their own development. I felt that what was central to succeeding as a mom was understanding the fit between where you are and where your child is. Your child may be at a stage where they're really pulling away just when you're at a stage where you're ready to go out and do more with your life. I wanted mothers to learn from my mistakes and also from other moms and experts, so I was hoping the book would be a synthesis of those voices. My goal was to make the book a little like the neighbor who lives a few doors down and is there if you need her. I hope the book conveys the sense that I have enormous respect for mothers and that I'm really on their side. I think it's the hardest job in the world, and I never cease to be amazed by what an amazing job mothers do.
Q: Why did you choose to write "The 7 Stages of Motherhood" rather than "The 7 Stages of Parenthood?"
A: I thought about it, and although obviously becoming a father represents a major change in most men's lives, I honestly don't feel that parenthood has the same kind of seismic, transformative effect on men as it does on women. Most of the mothers I interviewed said that they felt that everything about them had undergone a major shift. Whereas for most dads, while this was one of the most wonderful things that ever happened to them, chances are they're just as likely to go back to where they were in terms of work and how they defined themselves.
Q: Many people don't realize how profoundly having a child will change their relationship with their spouse. Do you have any advice to help couples manage their relationship as a family of two grows to a family of three or more?
A: I think on a very practical level it's important to try to work as a team with your husband. Parenthood can be one of the greatest bonding experiences, but it can also send you spiraling into different orbits. I've heard from a lot of moms what's confirmed by research, which is that parenthood is the single greatest challenge to a marriage. It really is important to pay attention to that and not to expect your husband to read your mind. You have to state what your values are. I think a lot of us muddle through and assume we see things the exact same way, but that's often not the case. And you need to understand that it's almost impossible for a guy to fully support how you feel about motherhood, even a man who loves you the most in the world. He's just not going to get it some of the time.
Q: Why do you think that the question of whether to go back to work is so fraught for most mothers?
A: I think part of the problem is that there are so few support systems in place for mothers. There's no affordable, accessible child care; women are still not paid as much as men. And as far as we've come in terms of sharing the load, mothers still do a lot more of the psychological parenting than fathers, and keeping track of everything puts a lot of pressures on moms.
Q: Are there certain tenets of child-rearing that you've come up with in your role as a mother and as a parenting expert?
A: One of them is, don't be a sacrificial mother. First of all, nobody likes a martyr, and putting your needs last is guaranteed to backfire. You can't be an effective mom if you don't take care of yourself. The other thing is to avoid competition. Mothers can be so competitive, and it gets worse and worse as the kids get older when it gets into whose values are stronger and whose kids are less spoiled. Competitiveness is unfortunately really alienating. Another piece of advice is that you need to find a group of supportive mothers, people you can call up and say, "I'm going crazy. How are you?"
Q: You write about how children are growing up faster now than they did in previous generations. What sort of challenges does that bring, and how has it changed the way people parent these days?
A: I think the main thing is that it poses a problem when it comes to boundaries. In other words, it's much easier to be friends with your kids these days. My kids listen to the same music I do, my daughter and I love to go shopping together. But every day at some point you've got to be the parent, not the best friend.
Q: Why is guilt such a constant companion for mothers?
A: One of the reasons why motherhood is hard and why we often feel a lot of guilt is that we have so many choices. You can have a baby when you're 25 or 45; you can work or stay home, assuming economically you have that choice; you can be straight or gay, married or single. There's a loss of consensus about how to do things. That leads to enormous insecurity, and guilt is a handmaiden of insecurity. In a funny way you're going it alone more than people used to. My mother was living a life that most of her friends were living. It's a little bit harder to find your sorority now, and I think that's why we seek it with enormous energy. People really need to validate what they're doing, because otherwise they do experience enormous guilt about maybe doing the wrong thing.
A: As the children get older these feelings of guilt only intensify. Once the kids are slightly more independent there's this feeling of, Now I should be able to see my friends, volunteer at the church, be involved in school, be with the kids, be with my spouse. But there are only so many hours in the day. So there what I attribute guilt to is unrealistic expectations. If we reduce what we mean by doing it all, we don't feel as much guilt. But we tend not to do that.
New Challenges For Toddler Moms
As seen in Parenting Magazine
October, 2004
"Just when you think you have the whole baby thing down, your baby becomes a toddler. "It's a very intense and unpredictable stage," says Ann Pleshette Murphy, author of The Seven Stages of Motherhood: Making the Most of Your Life as a Mom (out this month from Alfred A. Knopf). "Toddlers are notorious for their highs and lows, and parents often get sucked into the emotional abyss."
Some of your new challenges:
- She can be more frustrating. It's common to feel like you're going to lose it in ways you never did with a baby. When you do: Take a few deep breaths, put your child in a safe place, and give yourself a grown-up time-out. "Not only does cooling off let you feel like you're more in control," says Murphy, "it models the kind of behavior you want your child to master."
- It's even harder to find time. Toddlers are mobile and curious; they don't sleep as much as babies, and they usually want you for a playmate. So savor moments of "me" time whenever you can (like in the shower, after your child's in bed). Also, temporarily lower your expectations of what you can get done in a day: It may actually be way less than when your child was an infant.
- She's getting better at things (sort of). Listening to a child say, "Me do it!" all day is exhausting. Still, try not to be a "helicopter mom" and hover over her, says Murphy. Your child will learn self-reliance--and in the meantime, you get an extra sip of coffee while she zips her jacket. Fortunately, toddlers are also a lot of fun to be around. The aggravating moments will be out-weighed by the adorable ones.
- Charlotte Latvala
Press
WARE - Real Oldies 1250, Girl Talk with Kath & Mo, Greater Springfield, MA/Worcester, MA/ Hartford, CT
AP Radio News: Nightmare toys, Syndicated
WNCY "Bear in the Morning", Green Bay, WI
WLNK-FM "Bob & Sheri show", Syndicated
WBHV-FM Beaver 103, State College, PA
New York Magazine, inclusion in listing of best parenting books for special parenting issue, August
Library Journal, starred review, August issue
Family Circle, first serial, November issue
Parenting, Ages & Stages based on the book, October (on stand Sept 14)
Zero to Three (leading child development organization w/ membership of pediatricians and professional caregivers), serial, September (mails late August)
Scholastic Parent & Child, review, October issue
Atlanta Parent (monthly), excerpt & Q&A in support of Atlanta event,
September issue (on stand late August)
Big Apple Parent (New York), review and reprinting of the tip sheet, October issue
Cincinnati Family Magazine, review, September issue
Minnesota Parent, review, September issue
Nashville Parent, review, September issue
Williamson Parent, review, September issue
Rutherford Parent, review, September issue
Chicago Parent (monthly), interview in support of Chicago event, September issue
Hampton Family Life, review, Fall issue
Naperville Sun (Chicago), column feature, September
UrbanBaby, daily e-mail, September 9, Andrea Tulley
Delta Sky Magazine, review and first serial, November issue
New York Post, review, November
Washington Post Book World, review 9/19
Newsweek, ""How to Say No to Your Kids"" 9/13
Columbus Dispatch, ran Parenting Magazine feature, 9/29
New York Sun, feature, 10/4
Deseret Morning News, review, 9/17
Chicago Tribune, review, 9/12
|
|
