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My best friend's parenting style is very different from mine.
Q: My best friend and I have known each other since childhood. We still live in the same town and have kids the same ages (3 and 6). We have so much in common, but our parenting styles couldn't be more different. She's always negotiating (or giving in), while I believe in standing firm. Play dates are torture.
A: Although it's often said that motherhood is the great equalizer, no two moms are alike. If your friend's children seem to be happy and thriving, who's to say her parenting style is better or worse than yours? It's simply different. Don't drive yourself crazy trying to grin and bear it through get-togethers with the children. Instead, give your friend some time to herself by offering to keep the kids at your house one afternoon; then let her reciprocate. Most important, plan an afternoon when you share the cost of a baby-sitter and go out together. Neither your children nor hers will suffer from having to adjust to certain house rules. After all, they're held to different standards in school than they are at home. Kids are excellent adapters, often benefiting from learning that different grown-ups have different expectations.
I'm just not interested in sex.
Q: After 10 months of breastfeeding, I've weaned my baby. My husband surprised me with a much-needed romantic weekend away, but I found myself totally turned off, especially when he touched my breasts. What's wrong with me?
A: Even if you and your baby were ready to wean and the transition went smoothly, odds are you experienced a host of mixed feelings: sadness at the loss of cuddling time; relief from the responsibility; excitement about having more freedom; and, perhaps, guilt for taking a vacation so soon.
You may also be experiencing physical changes due to weaning, especially in terms of how your breasts look and feel. If you're self-conscious, your husband's attention to your breasts may exacerbate these feelings. In addition, once you've used your breasts to feed your baby, it may be difficult to refocus on them as a source of erotic pleasure. What you need most right now is for your husband to give you the time and space needed to navigate this transition.
My kids make excuses when I ask them to do something.
Q: Every time I tell my kids, ages 7 and 9, to do something (pick up toys, wash hands, help with dinner), they always give me half a dozen "buts." I don't want to resort to "Because I say so," but I'm going crazy negotiating every little thing. After all, aren't I the one in charge?
A: Before you decide your kids are destined to become great lawyers, and start saving for law school, try to adopt the cool deliberateness of a Supreme Court justice. The next time they try to but their way out of something, stay calm and consistent, advises Sal Severe, a Phoenix-based psychologist and author of How to Behave So Your Kids Will Too! (Viking). Stand your ground, without playing warden by simply saying, I know you would rather not do this now, but now is when it needs to be done. Please get started. Dr. Severe recommends giving kids a warning of at least 15 minutes, because no one adults included likes being asked to interrupt some fun activity to peel potatoes.
If a miracle happens and your kids volunteer to do something or attend to a chore without being nagged, be sure to acknowledge their good behavior with a specific statement: Thanks for listening the first time I asked. That really helps me out. Or I really appreciated the way you did that without an argument.
In all likelihood, you're also dealing with the fairness wars that go hand-in-hand with having two kids close in age: Why do I have to do it? I did it yesterday! Or Johnny never has to clear the table! If this is the case, you might try a chores chart or a system that leaves some of the delegating to chance. Let them draw straws at the beginning of the week or create a job wheel, advises Dr. Severe. Whichever job-assignment system you adopt, don't let the kids wear you down. If they give you 20 reasons why they shouldn't have to make their beds and you accede on the 21st, they've simply learned that 21 is the magic number. And that's a lesson you want to avoid at all costs.
My 11-year-old won't let me hug or kiss him.
Q: My 11-year-old son has reached the don't touch me' stage: he squirms away whenever I try to give him a kiss or even a little hug. I just hate feeling as though I have the plague.
A: As difficult as it is to repress the desire to grab your cuddle-shy preteen for a hug, it's important to respect his need for boundaries. You don't have the plague; he has raging hormones that make him increasingly uncomfortable with physical displays of affectionespecially from his mom. He's also at a point in his development when he's acutely aware of what's cool and what isn't. Mothers who hug and kiss you or ask your friends lame questions about school top the totally uncool list. Of course, he still craves your loving attention and interest in his life, but you may have to restrict those bonding moments to private times. Don't give up. There are ways to satisfy your need to mother your son without inviting rejection. Find activities you can share that allow for idle talk (boys loathe face-to-face interviews). Just don't ask lame questions about school.
Bedtime becomes a battle every night.
Q: We have an active, busy, curious 16-month-old with endless energy. As a result, it's very difficult to settle him down at night without turning bedtime into a battle. We'd like to establish a relaxing routine for him (bath, story or short video, feeding) but he turns everything into a game. The negativity is affecting my sleep.
A: Before you focus on the right bedtime routine, devote a couple of days to deciding whether your son is a night owl or a morning lark. According to Judith Owen, M.D., associate professor of pediatrics at Brown University School of Medicine and director of the pediatric sleep disorders clinic at Hasbro Children's Hospital in Providence, a child your son's age should already show a tendency to get tired at a certain time. If you're putting your son to bed at 6, when his circadian rhythm dictates that he needs to go to bed at 9, you're going to have a battle, warns Dr. Owen. She suggests that you conduct a natural experiment for a few days: Wait and put him to bed when he gets tired and let him sleep in until he wakes on his own. When you have a better sense of what his natural bedtime should be, you can work on the appropriate routine.
What you've already discovered is that one toddler's relaxing routine may be another's pick-me-up; while a warm bath may sound like the perfect pre-bedtime soother, your son may find the splish-splash fun far too exciting. Ditto videos: What you consider excruciatingly boring, he may find fascinating and remain wide awake way past your bedtime let alone his.
Dr. Owen says that the best bedtime routines are consistent and concise. Often parents let the whole thing run too long, she cautions. The point of whatever you do is to get the child into a state of relaxation where he can allow his body and mind to sleep, and that shouldn't take more than a half hour.
More important, you need to believe that putting your son to bed at an appropriate time is not punitive. Parents have to be convinced in their heart of hearts that setting limits and establishing a definite bedtime is positive and beneficial, says Dr. Owen. Otherwise, the temptation to give in and play along with the games is going to undermine even the best intentions.
I'm jealous of my first grader's teacher.
Q: Last year, my five-year-old son worshipped the ground I walked on. He would shower me with hugs and kisses. Then he entered first grade and fell in love with his teacher. I'm embarrassed to admit that I'm jealous.
A: Entrance into kindergarten or first grade often coincides with an end to what Sigmund Freud dubbed the Oedipal phase. According to Freud, the preschool years are colored by the deep passions children express toward one or the other parent, but rarely in equal measure. Although there are exceptions, most boys fall in love with their moms; girls with their dads.
When my son Nick was five, he claimed that my tuneless rendition of Over the Rainbow surpassed Judy Garland's and my knock-knock jokes were the funniest ever. But then, like your son, he entered first grade and his orientation shifted: I was no longer the sun and the moon.
Feeling displaced and experiencing a real sense of loss go hand in hand with your understandable jealousy. Now that your son is in first grade, you probably have less of an opportunity to be in on his day. But as passionate as his love for his teacher may be, his heart belongs to you and to his dad (whom he will soon idolize and strive to emulate). In the meantime fight the urge to hold on too tightly; your son is beginning to navigate a world full of new friends, rules and authority figures. The more you can support his relationship with his teacher and foster his love of school, the more likely he'll be to ask enthusiastically, Hey Mom, want to know what I did in school today?
Im worried about leaving my baby in child care.
Q: As my maternity leave is coming to an end, Im filled with anxiety that our three-month-old will suffer. Shes very uneasy around anyone except her dad and me. Any suggestions on how to prepare her for the coming transition to day car?
Before you worry about preparing your daughter, you need to prepare yourself and your husband for this big step. Even if youve found a modern day Mary Poppins or a model center, leaving your baby in someone elses care is a heart-wrenching experience, so give yourself the time and the space to examine your feelings and to air them with your husband.
The most important thing to remember is that you need someone who is, first and foremost, on your side. We often make the mistake of looking for child care that is all about our babys needs. But one of the keys to navigating this transition from home to work is having someone who is there for you. This means a person or people who support working mothers, and really believe that youve made the right choice. If your baby is in center-based care, then you want a place that regularly provides information about what your baby has been doing, not because it will necessarily help her, but because you want to be in on her day. A center or in-home provider should also welcome your occasional surprise visits. Anyone who seems judgmental, arrogant, or so obsequious that she would obviously never tell you if she were having a problem is not the person to hire. A center that holds a dim view of parents who question, call regularly, or stop by is not the one for your daughter.
A few weeks before your scheduled return to work, drop by and spend some time at the center. Or, if youre hiring an in-home provider, make sure she has ample opportunity to get to know you and your baby before the big day. Take the time to point out the ways your baby likes to be held, the kinds of routines shes used to, and the style of parenting you want your provider to emulate. The more you share, the better youll feel, and the more likely your daughter will be to pick up on your positive, optimistic attitude.
I cant stop yelling!
Q: Sometimes my kids get me so crazy, the intensity of my anger scares themand me. Help!"
A: Your goal should not be to suppress your anger, but to gain some control before you fall apart and lash out. The next time your children start to push your buttons, stop what youre doing, look them in the eye and describe calmly and firmly how youre feeling. Then go into your room and scream into a pillow, or race-walk around the block, or find a place out of earshot to phone a friend and vent. Then regroup with the kids and choose an activity youll all enjoy together. If you do explode, apologize. When you say, Im sorry. I was wrong to yell, youre modeling the respectful behavior you wish your children would show you.
I'm worried I'm raising spoiled brats.
Q: Every time I take my kids, six and eight, to the mall, they beg me to buy them a toy or game; my husband and I can afford to get them what they want, but now that their rooms are packed with stuff they rarely touch, Im so resentful I want to give it all to charity.
A: Maybe you should give some of their toys away. When children stop playing with the gifts they swore they had to have, its a safe bet that they have too much stuff. Without anger, tell them its time to purge. Pick a charity to which they can donate their used and outgrown toys, and create a giveaway box. You should also pay attention to the toys that your kids enjoy the most and find time to join them in their play. What kids crave more than anything is your attention and involvement, so the next time they beg you for a new game or toy, instead of buying it immediately, suggest something fun you can do together that doesnt require another purchase.
I want to disappear when I get home from work in the evening.
Q: Each day by six oclock, Im ready to run away. My 8- and 10-year-olds are hungry and cranky. Between the rush to cook dinner, mediate the homework battles, and listen to my husbands work complaints, Im overwhelmed.
A: They dont call the time you describe the witching hour for nothing. But that doesnt mean you have to play Glinda. Put those munchkins to work! Ask your husband to oversee the kids homework while you prepare dinner, or delegate a couple of nights of dinner duty while you sit with the kids. After dinner, either do the dishes and laundry together or put your family first and let the dishes soak. Carving out even 15 minutes of family time can recharge everyones emotional batteries.
My kids' sibling rivalry makes me feel like a failure.
Q: When my children were very young, they got along beautifully. Now that theyve hit the tween years (theyre 11 and 13), they really seem to hate one another. I find their constant fighting exhausting and sad, and I feel like Ive failed them as a parent. Is there any hope that theyll be friends again?
A: Be sure youre not casting your children in the movie of your own childhood. If you and your brother enjoyed an idyllic relationship (or if you loathed one another), it may be hard to avoid seeing this normal phase as an enduring hate-fest. Chances are their increased bickering is related to how miserable they feel about being a tween, a notoriously tough time for kids. Not only are they uncomfortable in their changing bodies, but they havent developed the communication skills required to assert themselves during a heated debate about something as profound as who last had the remote control. Help them individually to find non-nasty ways of articulating their feelings and, if the fighting gets ugly, issue clear rules. (I dont care how youre feeling about your brother right now, theres no name-calling allowed in this house.) As your kids get older, they are likely to find they actually have a lot in common in particular a tendency to make fun of Mom!
My 14-year-old's hair-trigger anger is making her a pain to live with.
Q: My 14-year-old daughter hasnt been herself lately. The other day she went into hysterics when a T-shirt she wanted to wear was in the laundry.
A: Thanks to technology like MRIs, we know that your daughters drastic mood swings may, in fact, be all in her head. For instance, your daughters prefrontal cortexresponsible for planning ahead, considering consequences and controlling impulsesis changing, growing and adapting. Also under construction is her amygdala, the seat of emotion, so the combination of high emotions and low rational thought turns a seemingly innocuous laundry problem into a major tragedy. Tell her youre sorry shes so upset, but that you know shell figure something out. Then leave her alone. When our kids hit the teen years, they need us to be their consultants, not their managers.
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