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Adapted from my bimonthly column in Family Circle Magazine. If you have other questions, click here.
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From my book, THE 7 STAGES OF MOTHERHOOD
The “expert” take on this period in a mother’s life is that her child is now more independent and self-reliant, and although that can bring up issues of separation, it’s basically good news. Also, because the scary adolescent era seems miles away, and the stormy toddler years are long gone, moms breathe a sigh of relief, perhaps indulge in a little more introspection, confident that not much is supposed to happen between ages six and ten. Hmm. I found this period in my kids’ lives one of the fullest and most challenging, especially once they started “real school.”
When our kids spend a full day or more in activities we are rarely privy to, we lose a certain version of ourselves. They’re on their own and so are we. Handling this shift from the pitcher’s mound to left field is one of the central challenges of this phase of motherhood. Feeling excluded from your child’s school day, cut off from what she may be thinking or feeling, and less involved in her increasingly ornate life, can make you wonder, “What am I doing with my life?”
At the same time, because this stage is comparatively problem-free, it’s often tough to remain vigilant, to fight the tendency to ignore blips on the screen. If your child has been happily skipping off to school, developing friendships, sleeping and eating well, enabling you to live your life in a way that just wasn’t possible a year or two ago, it’s natural to breathe a sigh of relief. But then when problems do arise, as they inevitably will, it’s sometimes hard to accept them, to really listen to what’s behind the whining or complaining.
Voltaire once said, “The road to the heart is the ear.” This tender bit of wisdom is never more apt than during the school years, when we may be tempted to rush in and pick up the pieces or simply sweep them under the rug in an effort to get through the day. But as important as it is when they’re toddlers to let our kids solve their own problems, to work through frustration and weather minor storms, it’s even more critical when their primary developmental task is to validate the motto “I can do it!”
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Question:
After hearing a rumor that my 8-year-old son is a bully. I called his teacher who confirmed that he has been picking on some of his classmates. I’m furious, not only at the school and at the other parents for neglecting to inform me, but at my son for his behavior.
Answer:
Direct your anger at the school and the parents who talked behind your back, but don’t add to your son’s burden by turning against him. More than anything right now he needs to know that you’re standing by him, working as his advocate at school to find out what’s going on.
Many children who bully do so because they have been teased or because they’re in pain themselves. But boys, in particular, have a tough time talking about tough emotions, so you’ll have to be skillful and patient. Choose a time when you’re doing something together -- playing a board game or driving in the car – to broach the subject of his social life at school. Let him know that middle school is always hard; perhaps share a story about your 4th-grade struggles. If he opens up and complains about the other kids, just listen. Your goal is to let him know that you’re on his side, but that picking on other kids is never acceptable.
At the same time, pay close attention to the behaviors you and the other important adults in his life model. Bullies often come from homes in which their parents discipline harshly or inconsistently, or who have a tendency to criticize, belittle, or focus on superficialities. Limit his television time, as violent television shows (even cartoons) can increase aggressive behavior. Most important, find ways to boost his self-esteem either through after-school activities or by giving him more grown-up responsibilities around the house.
Question:
Our second grade son is extremely bright and articulate but he has always struggled with reading. His teacher says to give him time but we see him becoming increasingly frustrated. He asks us why his friends are in different reading groups, he refuses to pick up a book, and he makes a fuss every night when it’s time for homework. My mom, who lives with us, thinks he’s lazy but I know he’s not.
Answer:
It sounds as though your son may have dyslexia, a reading disorder that affects over 40 million American children and adults. Dyslexics are not lazy or slow; in fact, they’re often extremely bright. (Thomas Edison, Leonardo DaVinci, even Albert Einstein showed signs of dyslexia.) But it’s critical to have your son evaluated as soon as possible, because the frustration and shame that he’s experiencing at school can wreak havoc on his self-confidence and affect other areas of his social and academic life.
Schedule a meeting with your son’s teacher to share what you have observed at home. In her superb book Overcoming Dyslexia, Sally Shaywitz, M.D., suggests that you do a little homework ahead of time to try to pinpoint the kinds of reading problems you’ve noticed. For example, does your son have trouble sounding out words? Is he afraid to read aloud and when he does so, are the words choppy or mispronounced?
Your goal when you meet with his teacher is to assess how your son’s reading progress is evaluated, how he compares to his classmates, and what specific techniques are employed to help a struggling reader. According to Dr. Shaywitz, this last step is key, because not all programs are effective. “We know from extensive research what programs work,” she says. “If you are unhappy after your discussion with the teacher, seek a second opinion. Speak to the school psychologist, principal, or to a reading specialist – if the school employs one. The worst thing you can do if you suspect a reading problem is to do nothing.
Question:
My husband is a gourmet cook and my daughter learned early on that the best way to please her father was to eat everything he put on her plate. Now that she’s entered puberty, she’s not losing the “baby fat” and her self-image is plummeting. I’ve told my husband, whose metabolism is superhuman, to cut the fat in our meals. But he says she’ll outgrow this phase.
Answer:
Your husband’s denial threatens more than your daughter’s physical health. A study in the April, 2003 issue of the Journal of the American Medical Association found that the emotional and social suffering of obese teens was comparable to that of young cancer patients undergoing chemotherapy. If you can’t convince him that your daughter’s self-esteem is at risk, then talk to her pediatrician or to a nutritionist who can explain to your husband how important it is to intervene sooner rather than later, when hormonal changes will make it even harder for her to lose unwanted pounds.
The fact that your husband loves to cook is an enormous asset. Appeal to his creativity in the kitchen and challenge him to come up with delicious, low-calorie recipes the whole family will enjoy. If you work as a team, rather than isolating your daughter by feeding her different foods, your chances of helping her reduce and feel good about herself are much higher.
Question:
Each day by six o’clock I am ready to run away. My 8 and 10 year olds are hungry and cranky. Between my husband’s complaints about work, the rush to cook dinner, and the constant homework battles, I feel totally overwhelmed. By the time I’ve done the dishes, sorted laundry, and made sandwiches for the next day, the night is over and our family time has evaporated. This is not the life I imagined when I had children.
Answer:
They don’t call the time you describe “the witching hour” for nothing. But that doesn’t mean you have play Glinda every evening – waving your magic wand over the chaos and mumbling sweetly, “There’s no place like home.” Put those munchkins to work! Tell Mr. Glinda to oversee the kids’ homework while you prepare dinner or delegate a couple of nights of dinner duty, while you sit with the kids. After dinner, either do the dishes and laundry together or put your family first and let the dishes soak a while. Carving out even 15 minutes of family time – to play a game or to take a short walk around the block together – can recharge everyone’s emotional batteries.
Of course, nothing will change if you maintain unreasonably high expectations. Motherhood is rarely what we dreamed it would be – all the time. Holding on to a fantasy of cheerful kids gratefully acknowledging all that you do, while Dad smilingly folds the laundry isn’t going to point you down the yellow brick road. Your way out of the woods has to start with acknowledging that your life is hectic, that nobody’s perfect, and that, like all good witches, you need help.
Question:
I was recently diagnosed with breast cancer. My mother died very young and although my prognosis is good, I am terrified. I have tried to hide my anxiety from my 5 and 8 year old, but I’m sure they’re picking up on my stress. My husband thinks we should wait to talk to them, but I think sooner is better.
Answer:
Sooner is better, especially if your sons are aware of your anxiety. Hiding the truth or trying in vain to put on a happy face is likely to result in their blaming themselves for your distress.
You might want to rehearse what you’re going to say with your husband beforehand, but don’t add to your stress by expecting to script a Hollywood-perfect conversation. Talking about cancer is never easy -- even to other adults, and your kids may react to the news with everything from tears to rudeness to seeming indifference. Your goal is to permit them to react honestly and to convey that you and their Dad will be there to listen whenever they need to ask questions or to share their feelings.
Given the fact that your prognosis is good, you should be specific about how your treatment may affect their day-to-day routine. Explain that cancer isn’t contagious and emphasize that they aren’t to blame in any way. If they ask you a particularly difficult question, don’t be afraid to say, “I’m not sure, but that’s a good question” and then try to respond at another time.
It’s also important to counter feelings of powerlessness by enlisting your family’s help. Let your husband and your kids make you dinner or read you stories on the nights when you’re feeling worn out or down. Because play is a wonderful stress-buster, reassure them that it’s okay to have fun and be silly, just as it’s perfectly fine to feel angry or scared.
Question:
My mother-in-law is constantly undermining me as a mom. Whenever our boys (5 and 8) visit, she gives them sodas and candy, even though she knows I don’t allow them a lot of sugar or she makes comments that make me feel inadequate. My husband is a real “Mama’s Boy,” so he’s no help. But I don’t want my negative feelings to affect my sons’ relationship with their grandmother.
Answer:
Of all family relationships, the mother-in-law/daughter-in-law dance tends to be characterized by bruised toes and battered egos. That’s because women tend to be the social and emotional arbiters in their families, likely to step on one another’s turf or to harbor competitive feelings. It’s the rare mother-in-law (or one who lives 12,000 miles away!) who can keep her child-rearing opinions to herself.
It’s also true that most grandparents believe it’s their prerogative to spoil their grandchildren – at least a little bit. Unless an occasional soda and candy pose a serious health threat to your sons, you might look the other way when it comes to treats at Grandma’s house. What you shouldn’t put up with are comments that undermine your confidence or with a spouse who cops out when it comes to standing up to for his wife. Try to enlist his help in acting as a buffer when your mother-in-law is visiting. If she says something hurtful or subtly criticizes the way you’re raising your kids, your husband should say, “Hey, Mom. We would appreciate it if you didn’t make comments like that.” Or, “We know that’s the way you did it in your day, but our pediatrician thinks differently.”
As crazy as this may sound, you should also try complimenting your mother-in-law on some bit of maternal wisdom. The occasional, “Thanks for the advice the other day regarding Billy. It was really helpful,” will go a long way toward sending the message that you’re on the same team. And, as you wisely note, your goal is to build bridges, not fences.
Question:
My 10-year-old daughter loves to shop, but her taste tends toward clothes I feel are totally inappropriate for her age. She loves low-rise jeans and sheer blouses and constantly asks if she looks “sexy.” My husband seems to think this is innocent play-acting, but I find it disturbing.
Answer:
Most parents of today’s ""tweens"" describe them as ""9 going on 19,"" and there’s no question that many little girls seem sexy too soon. Many parents blame the glut of sexualized messages kids see on TV, in music videos, movies, and advertisements, but even if your family lived on a desert island, your daughter would undoubtedly be struggling with her body image. Having hit that excruciatingly awkward passage between childhood and adolescence, she probably feels confused about her changing figure and about what it means to become a young woman.
By claiming she wants to look “sexy,” your daughter is opening the door to a much more important discussion of puberty and sexuality. Consider carefully the messages you want to convey regarding how she should think about her body and her burgeoning sexual feelings. Let her do most of the talking, but be sure to ask what she thinks “sexy” means; chances are she equates it with looking pretty. You can then explain that while looking and feeling good about yourself are critical parts of being sexy, the word is used by adults to describe being attracted to one another and it should not be applied to kids.
If she complains that her clothes make her feel like a dork, empathize with how tough this stage can be. Share some awkward coming-of age moment from your preteen years and offer to take her shopping for a new outfit. While you have a responsibility to set the standards for how your child dresses, don’t expect her to don loafers and a below-the-knee skirt when all her friends are wearing low-rise jeans. Consider that slightly tight-fitting sweater your ticket to keeping the conversation about growing up open.
Question:
I have a 3 1/2-year-old who is fascinated by guns, knives, and violence. He gets angry very easily and when he’s mad, he says he’s going to shoot me or stab me. If I take away his toy guns and knives, he makes them out of other toys. I am an at-home mom, who has tried everything I can think of to settle him down. What can you suggest?
Answer:
Learning to control anger is a lifelong process – and a particular challenge for little boys who are highly active and easily frustrated. (It’s not so easy for big boys and girls either.) Your goal should be to get rid of the guns, not the feelings.
According to Howard Spivak, M.D., a pediatrician at the Floating Hospital for Children in Boston and Chair of the American Academy of Pediatrics task force on violence, three-year-olds who yell, “I’m going to stab you!” don’t really know what they’re saying. But they are excellent mimics. “You need to ask yourself whether he’s been exposed to violent behavior in the media or at home,” says Dr. Spivak. “Often adults will shout in anger ‘I’m going to kill you!’ and although we’re speaking figuratively, our kids don’t know that.”
You also need to keep him away from violent entertainment, including all those Saturday morning cartoons in which conflicts are resolved with fists, knives, guns, lasers, and futuristic weapons of destruction. “Look for videos and TV shows that promote caring, tolerance, and other pro-social messages,” advises Myriam Miedzian, author of Boys Will Be Boys: Breaking the Link Between Masculinity and Violence (Doubleday, 1991). According to Miedzian, there is ample research evidence that empathy is inversely related to violence, which is why it’s so important to model positive conflict resolution. “Because a close relationship between a son and a nonviolent, caring father is a significant deterrent to violent behavior in boys, get your husband or a close male relative involved,” Miedzian says.
You might also consider enrolling your son in a preschool or daycare program. “He needs to be in settings where he gets to learn and practice positive social interactions with his peers and where there are adults, trained in child development, who can give him feedback about his interactions and teach him how to negotiate,” says Dr. Spivak. “Also, most professional day care centers and preschools don’t allow guns or play that involves imaginary guns. They tend to promote more positive kinds of play.”
Even if daycare or preschool isn’t in your son’s immediate future, disarmament should be. You don’t have to dismantle his arsenal all at once, but you should weed out the most realistic of his guns and definitely not add to the collection. More important, help him to use words to describe his emotions. “Tell him how you feel when he says he’s going to stab you,” says Miedzian.
Dr. Spivak agrees: “Be very specific: Look him in the eye and say, ‘I don’t like it when you say that. It makes me feel bad.’ At the same time, teach him how to express his anger: ‘I can see that you’re really upset and angry. Tell me what’s wrong, but no yelling.”
When he does manage to stay cool, to cooperate, or to act in a caring way, pump up the praise, advises Miedzian. Again, be specific: “I liked the way you shared that toy” or “It makes me feel so good when you ask me in that soft voice.” Last, but not least, watch your own behavior. There’s no parent alive who hasn’t lost her temper, especially when upset and angry, but it’s extremely important to resist fighting fire with fire. “In particular with kids who are highly aggressive, there should be no physical punishment. Even the threat of a spanking sends the message that when we’re mad, we hit,” warns Dr. Spivak. Telling your son that you need to take a time out (and then leaving the room briefly) will help both of you through this challenging period.
Question:
My nine-year-old son likes to sleep in our bed when my husband is out of
town on business -- something he's been doing since he was a little boy.
I love his company, but recently my husband commented that our son was
too old to sleep with his mom and made me promise not to do it. I
begrudgingly agreed, but I miss our ""sleep-overs."" I've even considered
doing it anyway. But that feels kind of sneaky -- like I'm doing
something illicit.
Answer:
Chances are your husband isn’t the only person who makes you feel there’s something wrong with letting your nine-year-old “sleep over” in your bed. Our society – unlike almost every other on the planet – pushes independent sleeping arrangements; a minority of families share their beds with their young children and those that do often keep their routine a secret. This is especially true when it comes to little boys. As your husband made clear, big boys aren’t supposed to want to sleep in their mommy’s bed.
According to my friend, William Pollack, Ph.D., author of Real Boys (Villard) and a renowned expert on the psychological development of boys, there is absolutely nothing wrong with a nine-year-old sleeping with his mom, as long as there is nothing sexual or even vaguely uncomfortable about the arrangement. That includes a parent who coerces or pushes a child to share her bed or a little boy whose need for physical closeness includes inappropriate snuggling or rubbing against mom.
Even in these so-called liberated times, most dads want their sons to be independent and macho, so your husband’s concern is understandable. He could also be slightly jealous of your relationship with your son; little boys rarely make a secret of how much they adore their mommies. That said, you should definitely not “do it anyway” and suffer the inevitable guilt of going behind your husband’s back. Find a time to talk about this, explaining that you and your son enjoy the emotional closeness your sleepovers provide and that you don’t believe there’s anything wrong with indulging him. You might even plan a little trip somewhere and let the two guys bunk together so Dad can enjoy the treat of chatting after lights out and waking up to a sleepy smile and a sweet hug from his son.
Question:
We have twin sons, and if they don’t put their toys back the minute they’re finished playing, my husband goes berserk and starts yelling. I know they need to learn responsibility, but isn’t he expecting a bit much of six-year-olds?
Answer:
Your husband isn’t expecting too much; your sons are definitely capable of picking up their toys. But he’ll get nowhere fast by going berserk. That’s because the most effective parenting style is one which combines limits and love. Yelling at the kids definitely doesn’t quality as “loving” behavior. Neither does letting them get away with messing up your home. Your goal is to give the kids specific responsibilities, some control over their lives, and to respond to their need for loving attention. (One of the reasons kids are disobedient is because negative attention -- “going berserk” – is better than no attention at all.)
Six-year-olds strive to be masters of their universe, so finding ways to put them in charge more, not less, can work in your favor. For example, if you’ve been dressing them alike since birth, consider letting them decide what they want to wear every once in awhile. If Dad’s running errands, let them choose which store they want to go to first. Most important, talk to them about the toy chest challenge and see what solutions they come up with. You may be surprised by how responsive they’ll be if they’ve had a role in brainstorming a solution. If they manage to clean up promptly, make sure your husband responds by rewarding them with a game or some favorite family activity. This kind of positive natural consequence tends to be far more effective than barking demands or yelling.
Question:
This Mother's Day will be my first since my mom died last fall. I'm anticipating that it will be very hard on me and I'd prefer not to celebrate the holiday at all, but I'm concerned that this will hurt my 7-year-old son. Is it better to pretend nothing is wrong, or should I explain the situation to him?
Answer:
You should definitely not try to put on a happy face for your son’s sake. For one thing, he’ll undoubtedly sense your insincerity and, like most young children, may think he’s done something to upset you. In fact, the best Mother’s Day gift you could give yourself and your son would be to tell him the truth, namely, that this holiday is both a sad and a happy day, because it reminds you of your mother and how much you miss her, but it also lets you experience how much he loves you – and that’s the greatest feeling in the world.
Bear in mind that, at seven, your son is capable of empathizing and eager to demonstrate his increased maturity by doing things for others. If you feel up to it, you might create a new Mother’s Day ritual, a gesture that honors your mom and enables you and your son to work through your feelings of loss and sadness. Encourage him to talk about your mom and his memories of her and make sure he knows that even big boys cry.
Question:
Every summer, my 8-year-old son spends a month at his Dad’s home. (We were divorced when Peter was three.) I absolutely dread these separations and this summer my ex’s new wife will be there with her toddler daughter, so I’m sure it will be really hard on Pete. I’m thinking we should cut it short – maybe just a couple of weeks there – but I know his Dad will object
Answer:
While a mid-summer’s change like this is never easy, Pete needs to feel free to foster a close and loving relationship with his dad and stepfamily. Your natural own emotions of sadness and jealousy could weigh him down and make him feel caught in the middle of two parents he loves. It is common that he too harbors feelings of guilt and homesickness. Make the transition less stressful by working closely with your ex and your son. As Dr. Margorie Engel, President of the Stepfamily Association of America says, “When two adults support each other, children are protected from feeling they need to take care of their parent.”
Before he leaves for dad’s, try spending a few special days together, bonding on vacation or enjoying a favorite activity. Saying goodbye can be painful too so try picking a neutral spot. Once Pete’s gone you might feel the urge to hear his voice every day but it’s best to coordinate a time of day to call Pete that will keep you connected but will not disrupt the flow of his day. Some families even write dad a letter in advance updating him on the latest goings on with Pete-from his latest favorites to his behaviors so dad and Pete are on the same page when he arrives. And lastly when you talk you can remind him of the date of your reunion. Above all Pete needs your love and support.
Question:
For the last several months my husband has not been himself. He lost his job after September 11th and we had to move to a smaller home, but for a while he seemed to be coping well. Now he’s so moody, angry, and unpredictable, I feel as though I’m walking on eggshells whenever I’m around him. When he cancelled long-standing plans to take our sons, 7 and 9, to a ballgame, I didn’t know what to tell them was wrong with their dad. I don’t really know myself.
Answer:
Your husband may be seriously depressed and while the changes in his life – loss of his job, moving – could have precipitated his problems, he needs help. Because many men associate depression with weakness, approach him from the point of view that if he had a heart ailment or diabetes, you wouldn’t hesitate to consult a physician and to ask for medication to alleviate his symptoms. Tell him how much you love him and how much the boys need his affection and attention and urge him to seek help for their sake as well.
In the meantime, you should not walk on eggshells or act as the buffer between him and your sons. They are old enough to be told that their dad is suffering from a very common health problem which makes him feel angry at times, sad, even tired, but that they are not the cause of his depression. Reassure them that he will get better and encourage them to talk about how they’ve been feeling. Boys have a hard time opening up, so you might talk while you’re playing a board game or driving in the car together.
In his excellent new book, Out of the Darkened Room: Protecting the Children and Strengthening the Family When a Parent is Depressed (Little Brown, 2002), William Beardslee, M.D., wisely notes that you should talk to you kids only “when you can accept depression as an unwelcome illness rather than viewing it as a shameful secret.” He stresses the importance of family meetings in which everyone feels safe to air his feelings and he urges depressed parents to try to stay involved in their children’s lives. “A dad who is depressed should not drop out of his kids’ lives,” Dr. Beardslee says. Help your husband find ways to connect. It doesn’t have to be a big deal like a ballgame. Any small act of caring – reading a bedtime story, playing a card game -- will bring a little light into their lives and convey the message “I’m getting better and in the meantime, I’m still here for you.”
Question:
I have two children – a 12-year-old daughter and an 8-year-old son – and although I would describe my daughter as a sweet girl when she’s with her friends, she is anything but around her brother. Nothing he does is good enough; she puts him down constantly and teases him about almost everything. He tries to stand up to her, or pretends her words don’t hurt him, but I know she’s breaking his heart. And their fighting is breaking mine.
Answer:
"It’s amazing how motherhood destroys our long-term memory. We give birth to child Number Two and fantasize that our first-born will embrace the intruder with little open arms. As our kids grow, so does the dream: Sister and brother will be best friends, look out for one another, share secrets and the TV remote control. Unfortunately, we often block out how we felt about our own siblings. Yes, there were times when your brother or sister flew to the rescue or whispered a confidence, but chances are there were many more occasions when your siblings teased, tortured, or trampled your turf; when you harbored dark fantasies of revenge; or when you read the story of Cain and Abel just for laughs.
This is not to say that your children will never be friends or that you should stand by while your daughter torments your son. The point is you cannot control how she feels about him and right now, but you can certainly police her behavior. Start with the Good Cop approach. Schedule a date with your daughter to do something fun together and while you’re having a snack or taking a walk, share what you’ve observed. Point out how she sounds when she talks to him or provide a couple of examples of things she’s said that you don’t want her to repeat. Appeal to her big sister status and tell her you know she’s mature enough to avoid the current vicious cycle. Explain that she can actually create a virtuous circle by paying him a compliment or doing something nice for him rather than putting him down. When he feels accepted, he’s much less likely to push her buttons.
Don’t expect a miracle. Your daughter is at the peak of pre-adolescent angst, struggling with feeling unattractive or awkward or both. While you work on her behavior, don’t hesitate to tell your son that this may be part of the problem and that he needs to respect her privacy and tolerate her mood swings.
Question:
I pride myself on being highly organized and responsible. But my 7-year-old is a “loser.” Last year, he lost two jackets and countless sets of keys. Since school began last month, pair of brand new sneakers and a backpack has gone MIA. I may be overly sensitive, but I don’t feel there is any excuse for irresponsible behavior. How can he learn from his mistakes and from my example?
Answer:
Losing things does not make your son a loser; in fact, he’s probably just like many of his friends when it comes to keeping track of their stuff. If you’re dubious, just check out his school’s lost and found bin: Chances are it’s overflowing with size 8 sweaters and assorted sets of house keys. Although your son’s behavior may seem irresponsible, he deserves a little leeway. Many kids find first and second grades a big change from the kindergarten and preschool years, when teachers routinely remind their charges of what to take with them at the end of the day.
Call your son’s teacher and ask how dismissal time is handled. Do the kids get a warning to collect their belongings? Do they line up before heading to the bus? Encourage your son to come up with some kind of mnemonic device for those transitional times: “As soon as the teacher asks you to line up, whisper, ‘Keys! Jacket!’ to yourself.”
Assign a specific place for his things. If the book bag always goes in the locker at school and lives next to the front door at home, it’s less likely to get lost. And if it does? Sit down and explain that he’s mature enough to be responsible for his things and spell out some natural consequences for losing them. (“If you lose another backpack, you’ll have to use a shopping bag.”) Most important, be sure to reward him whenever he remembers. You might even use a star chart to reinforce the habits that are “keepers.”
Question:
My mom has Alzheimer’s. This winter, after she suffered a series of small strokes, my husband and I decided that she should live with us. As the mother of two kids, 6 and 8, I now feel as though I am mothering them and my mom 24/7 and the stress is killing me. I’m short tempered with everyone and feel guilty that I’m not able to give my family what they need.
Answer:
Surviving as a member of the sandwich generation requires the organizational/management skills of a CEO, the stamina of a triathlete, and the emotional equilibrium of a monk. It also requires a sense of humor, because you’ll probably discover countless times during your week when you can either laugh or cry. Being able to step back, to recognize that you can’t control your mother’s illness anymore than you can control your children’s feelings will help alleviate some of the guilt you’re experiencing.
On a purely practical level, you need to use an unpopular four-letter word: help. Make a list of all the tasks you’re performing right now and call a family meeting, including, if possible, any siblings or extended family members. Just because your mother is living with you doesn’t mean you have to shoulder 100 percent of the burden. Your children may derive enormous pride from having some responsibilities for their grandmother’s care, but they also need permission to bow out. Even far-flung relatives can assist with bill-paying, telephone calls, correspondence. Friends can certainly drive your mom to appointments or stop by, so you can spend time with your husband and kids.
But the person you have to put first on your list is you – not necessarily all the time, but more than you’re probably doing right now. There is no way you can continue to mother your children and your mom if you neglect your own needs. In addition to carving out a regular block of time for yourself – and that means marking it on your calendar in indelible marker – make a point of doing at least one thing each day that provides some small measure of enjoyment: listen to music you love; take a walk; call a friend to vent; treat yourself to a manicure; ask one of your kids or your husband for a backrub. Don’t roll your eyes at these seemingly small acts of self-care – they can really help.
Question:
My mother-in-law is constantly undermining me as a mom. Whenever our boys (5
and 8) visit, she gives them sodas and candy, even though she knows I don’t
allow them a lot of sugar or she makes comments that make me feel
inadequate. My husband is a real “Mama’s Boy,” so he’s no help. But I don’t
want my negative feelings to affect my sons’ relationship with their
grandmother.
Answer:
Of all family relationships, the mother-in-law/daughter-in-law dance tends
to be characterized by bruised toes and battered egos. That’s because women
tend to be the social and emotional arbiters in their families, likely to
step on one another’s turf or to harbor competitive feelings. It’s the rare
mother-in-law (or one who lives 12,000 miles away!) who can keep her
child-rearing opinions to herself.
It’s also true that most grandparents believe it’s their prerogative to
spoil their grandchildren at least a little bit. Unless an occasional
soda and candy pose a serious health threat to your sons, you might look the
other way when it comes to treats at Grandma’s house. What you shouldn’t put
up with are comments that undermine your confidence or with a spouse who
cops out when it comes to standing up to for his wife. Try to enlist his
help in acting as a buffer when your mother-in-law is visiting. If she says
something hurtful or subtly criticizes the way you’re raising your kids,
your husband should say, “Hey, Mom. We would appreciate it if you didn’t
make comments like that.” Or, “We know that’s the way you did it in your
day, but our pediatrician thinks differently."
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