Ann Pleshette Murphy

Stage 1
Altered States:
Pregnancy, Birth, and the Fourth Trimester

Stage 2
Finding Your Footing, Finding Yourself:
Months Four Through Twelve

Stage 3
Letting Go:
The Toddler Years, One and Two

Stage 4
Trying to Do It All:
The Preschool Years, Three to Six

Stage 5
Reading the Compass to God Knows Where:
Years Six to Ten

Stage 6
Living in the Gray Zone:
The Preteen Years, Ten to Thirteen

Stage 7
It Gets Easier – and Then They Leave:
The Teen Years, Thirteen to Eighteen

Adapted from my bimonthly column in Family Circle Magazine. If you have other questions, click here.

From my book, THE 7 STAGES OF MOTHERHOOD

"During this phase of motherhood, one adds to the jobs of caregiver, playmate, and disciplinarian the talents of professor, coach, social secretary, short-order cook, wardrobe consultant, negotiator, and shrink. It helps if you can bake, sew, sing, act, draw, and wrestle a screaming thirty-pound dervish into a booster seat. But you can’t possibly do all of these things perfectly. You can’t even do them half as well as your neighbor, who boasts an immaculate house, well-tended garden, and exciting social life. “How does she manage a job, kids, church choir, and dress the way she does” you ask yourself whenever you’re on the ledge. If your answer is “She’s just better organized than I am” or “If I only got up a little earlier, I could do more” or “She’s a much better cook,” then you’re stepping into a trap baited with BS and guaranteed to bite you in the ego.

I was hardly immune. Maddie phoned me at the office to announce that she couldn’t bring the three dozen oatmeal cookies I had miraculously remembered to bake for snack day because the theme for that particular Wednesday was Sweden. “We have to be making something from there,” she said firmly. “Like what?” I asked, stopping short of barking, “Herring? A delightful smorgasbord for twenty-three?”
“I don’t know, Mama,” she said softly, anxiety building in her reedy voice. “But we have to.”
“Okay, sweetheart,” I relented. “I’ll figure something out.”

It was, of course, pouring rain when I left the office, and past closing time at the gourmet food store in our neighborhood. I was forced to dash from one late-night deli to another in search of Ry-Krisps and flavored cream cheese. I spent at least two hours spreading the latter without shattering the former and another half hour convincing Maddie that this was a genuine Swedish treat.

Why, you may ask, did I not tell Maddie that oatmeal cookies were a national Swedish dish? Or, better yet, just say that Swedish Day was next month and that tomorrow was, in fact, High Fiber Day at her Montessori school? For one thing, Maddie had reached a point in her development when following the rules and worshipping one’s teacher (in her case a lovely SWEDISH woman named Kirsten) were paramount. I had reached a point in my development when proving to myself and to my preschool daughter that Mama could do anything were paramount, that Mama would never let her down, that even though Mama had had to work late two nights that week, she would make it up to her by racing around to find Ry-Krisps for Swedish Day."
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Question: My husband and I are both from large families. We’re financially secure and have family nearby to help us care for our daughters, 3 and 5. I desperately want to have a third child, but my husband is adamantly opposed. He won’t even talk about it.

Answer: If your husband “won’t even talk about it” then stop talking about it. And start focusing on your marriage and the qualities you love in one another and the myriad other things that define your relationship. One of the foundations of all good marriages is the ability to communicate effectively and with empathy. That means learning to really listen to the other person, to try to stand in his or her shoes, to reflect before responding. Until you can share your thoughts and feelings about the everyday challenges of family life, you should stay away from the hot-button topic of having another child. If you find that you can’t do this on your own, then seek out a competent marriage counselor who can work with you. He or she will be better equipped to draw out your husband and to help you through this difficult time. Until you’re on more solid ground as a couple, don’t pursue the fantasy that having a baby will bring you together or that “surprising” him by becoming pregnant will work out in the end. It’s more likely to spell the end.

Question: I was recently diagnosed with breast cancer. My mother died very young and although my prognosis is good, I am terrified. I have tried to hide my anxiety from my 5 and 8 year old, but I’m sure they’re picking up on my stress. My husband thinks we should wait to talk to them, but I think sooner is better.

Answer: Sooner is better, especially if your sons are aware of your anxiety. Hiding the truth or trying in vain to put on a happy face is likely to result in their blaming themselves for your distress.

You might want to rehearse what you’re going to say with your husband beforehand, but don’t add to your stress by expecting to script a Hollywood-perfect conversation. Talking about cancer is never easy -- even to other adults, and your kids may react to the news with everything from tears to rudeness to seeming indifference. Your goal is to permit them to react honestly and to convey that you and their Dad will be there to listen whenever they need to ask questions or to share their feelings.

Given the fact that your prognosis is good, you should be specific about how your treatment may affect their day-to-day routine. Explain that cancer isn’t contagious and emphasize that they aren’t to blame in any way. If they ask you a particularly difficult question, don’t be afraid to say, “I’m not sure, but that’s a good question” and then try to respond at another time.

It’s also important to counter feelings of powerlessness by enlisting your family’s help. Let your husband and your kids make you dinner or read you stories on the nights when you’re feeling worn out or down. Because play is a wonderful stress-buster, reassure them that it’s okay to have fun and be silly, just as it’s perfectly fine to feel angry or scared.

Question: My mother-in-law is constantly undermining me as a mom. Whenever our boys (5 and 8) visit, she gives them sodas and candy, even though she knows I don’t allow them a lot of sugar or she makes comments that make me feel inadequate. My husband is a real “Mama’s Boy,” so he’s no help. But I don’t want my negative feelings to affect my sons’ relationship with their grandmother.

Answer: Of all family relationships, the mother-in-law/daughter-in-law dance tends to be characterized by bruised toes and battered egos. That’s because women tend to be the social and emotional arbiters in their families, likely to step on one another’s turf or to harbor competitive feelings. It’s the rare mother-in-law (or one who lives 12,000 miles away!) who can keep her child-rearing opinions to herself.

It’s also true that most grandparents believe it’s their prerogative to spoil their grandchildren – at least a little bit. Unless an occasional soda and candy pose a serious health threat to your sons, you might look the other way when it comes to treats at Grandma’s house. What you shouldn’t put up with are comments that undermine your confidence or with a spouse who cops out when it comes to standing up to for his wife. Try to enlist his help in acting as a buffer when your mother-in-law is visiting. If she says something hurtful or subtly criticizes the way you’re raising your kids, your husband should say, “Hey, Mom. We would appreciate it if you didn’t make comments like that.” Or, “We know that’s the way you did it in your day, but our pediatrician thinks differently.”

As crazy as this may sound, you should also try complimenting your mother-in-law on some bit of maternal wisdom. The occasional, “Thanks for the advice the other day regarding Billy. It was really helpful,” will go a long way toward sending the message that you’re on the same team. And, as you wisely note, your goal is to build bridges, not fences.

Question: I have a newborn son and a 3-1/2-year-old daughter. Whenever I breastfeed the baby, my daughter says she wants to nurse, too. My sister says to let her try – that she won’t like it – but I'm not so sure. And I’m really not comfortable with this. On the other hand, I don't want her to feel rejected. What should I do?

Answer: Your daughter’s interest in nursing is probably fueled by a desire for more nurturing, not a thirst for her Mommy’s milk, so you may be able to solve the problem by indulging in a little extra snuggling. A few times a day, hold her close to your body, talk softly, rocking her gently in your arms When you nurse her brother, encourage her to cuddle up too and try to direct some of your attention her way.

You might also give your daughter a doll and encourage her to “nurse” her baby when you breastfeed yours. If she still insists on a piece of the action, and you’re willing to gamble, let her try. Your sister is probably right to assume that your daughter will suckle for a few seconds, decide it’s silly (and not particularly tasty), and that will be that. Or, if you are very uncomfortable with that idea, express a little milk into a cup and let your daughter drink “the big girl way.”

Question: Our three-year-old is driving me nuts. She complains incessantly about everything – from the fit of her clothes to the way I cut her sandwich. I spend the day in a state of irritation and I’m beginning to think our relationship will never improve.

Answer: Adopting the policy of “this too shall pass” can be a gift to you and your daughter. After an exhausting day of whining it’s hard not to feel doomed that she will grow up into an irritable, dissatisfied adult, but that’s the worst thing you can do. Dramatizing the situation will be a stumbling block for your relationship. Labeling her as “difficult” or “head strong” could become a self-fulfilling prophecy.

To help your daughter (and your family) through this stage, you need to work with -- not against -- her personality. If her temperament is intense, reactive and sensitive she might need to stick to a routine even if it conflicts with your own easy going and spontaneous tendencies. Try giving her words to express herself, emphasizing that ""babies whine, big girls talk.” Avoid power struggles at all costs. Don’t feel as though you have to win. Chances are she hears “no” so often from adults that enabling her to play a role in the decision-making when it comes to clothes and food could make her more agreeable. If she’s highly sensitive child preview and review what's going to happen next. This will to help your daughter feel more in control when she can prepare for transitions.

Question: I have a 3 1/2-year-old who is fascinated by guns, knives, and violence. He gets angry very easily and when he’s mad, he says he’s going to shoot me or stab me. If I take away his toy guns and knives, he makes them out of other toys. I am an at-home mom, who has tried everything I can think of to settle him down. What can you suggest?

Answer: Learning to control anger is a lifelong process – and a particular challenge for little boys who are highly active and easily frustrated. (It’s not so easy for big boys and girls either.) Your goal should be to get rid of the guns, not the feelings.

According to Howard Spivak, M.D., a pediatrician at the Floating Hospital for Children in Boston and Chair of the American Academy of Pediatrics task force on violence, three-year-olds who yell, “I’m going to stab you!” don’t really know what they’re saying. But they are excellent mimics. “You need to ask yourself whether he’s been exposed to violent behavior in the media or at home,” says Dr. Spivak. “Often adults will shout in anger ‘I’m going to kill you!’ and although we’re speaking figuratively, our kids don’t know that.”

You also need to keep him away from violent entertainment, including all those Saturday morning cartoons in which conflicts are resolved with fists, knives, guns, lasers, and futuristic weapons of destruction. “Look for videos and TV shows that promote caring, tolerance, and other pro-social messages,” advises Myriam Miedzian, author of Boys Will Be Boys: Breaking the Link Between Masculinity and Violence (Doubleday, 1991). According to Miedzian, there is ample research evidence that empathy is inversely related to violence, which is why it’s so important to model positive conflict resolution. “Because a close relationship between a son and a nonviolent, caring father is a significant deterrent to violent behavior in boys, get your husband or a close male relative involved,” Miedzian says.

You might also consider enrolling your son in a preschool or daycare program. “He needs to be in settings where he gets to learn and practice positive social interactions with his peers and where there are adults, trained in child development, who can give him feedback about his interactions and teach him how to negotiate,” says Dr. Spivak. “Also, most professional day care centers and preschools don’t allow guns or play that involves imaginary guns. They tend to promote more positive kinds of play.”

Even if daycare or preschool isn’t in your son’s immediate future, disarmament should be. You don’t have to dismantle his arsenal all at once, but you should weed out the most realistic of his guns and definitely not add to the collection. More important, help him to use words to describe his emotions. “Tell him how you feel when he says he’s going to stab you,” says Miedzian.

Dr. Spivak agrees: “Be very specific: Look him in the eye and say, ‘I don’t like it when you say that. It makes me feel bad.’ At the same time, teach him how to express his anger: ‘I can see that you’re really upset and angry. Tell me what’s wrong, but no yelling.”

When he does manage to stay cool, to cooperate, or to act in a caring way, pump up the praise, advises Miedzian. Again, be specific: “I liked the way you shared that toy” or “It makes me feel so good when you ask me in that soft voice.” Last, but not least, watch your own behavior. There’s no parent alive who hasn’t lost her temper, especially when upset and angry, but it’s extremely important to resist fighting fire with fire. “In particular with kids who are highly aggressive, there should be no physical punishment. Even the threat of a spanking sends the message that when we’re mad, we hit,” warns Dr. Spivak. Telling your son that you need to take a time out (and then leaving the room briefly) will help both of you through this challenging period.

Question: We have two sons, 6 and 4, and if they don’t put their toys back the minute they’re finished playing, my husband goes berserk and starts yelling. I know they need to learn responsibility, but isn’t he expecting a bit much from them?

Answer: From a strictly developmental standpoint, your kids are definitely old enough to understand directions and obey simple rules. The question is whether Major General Dad is willing to give your sons more -- not less -- control over their toy chest. As you probably know, negative attention is better than none at all, so every time your husband “goes berserk,” he ironically gives the boys more power, according to Claire Lerner, LCSW, child development expert at Zero to Three, in Washington, D.C. “What’s most important in situations like these is to be on the same page, because if one parent sabotages the other, the situation will only get worse,” Lerner says. She recommends that you let your husband know you share his frustration, and that you have some constructive suggestions for changing the current pattern.

Start by examining how much control the kids have in other areas of their lives. Do you let them pick out their clothes? Does your husband act the martinet at mealtimes? “Sometimes we confuse being rigid with running a tight ship,” says Lerner. “Parents do best when they provide some limits, but remain flexible.” You might not want your boys to dictate what’s for dinner, but they could certainly select their dessert from a couple of options. In addition, advises Lerner, meet with your sons and challenge them to come up with some ideas for keeping their toys neat. “They’ll probably be so shocked and pleased that you’ve included them in the decision making that they’ll come through at clean-up time,” she predicts. An easy way to keep them on task is to use an egg timer. Set it for five minutes, explaining that when it dings , they need to start cleaning up. They may need some help initially in breaking down the job into discreet steps, but once they’re on track, set the timer again and tell them that the second bell means, “Job’s done.” If they drag their heels and don’t stay on task, then the natural consequence is no extra playtime after dinner, no books before bed. Conversely, if clean-up is a success, reward them with some family fun. “The message should be: When we work together and cooperate, we spend less time arguing and yelling and have more time for the stuff we love to do together,” says Lerner. And that’s a goal the whole family can say yes to.

Question: Our third child (we have three-year-old twins) is due in early November. My husband expects us to drive three hours to my in-laws for Thanksgiving. My in-laws are very uptight, so I spend the entire time worrying that the twins will make a mess or too much noise. I told my husband that the drive will be too long for the baby and no fun for the twins, but he insists we go.

Answer: Stop passing the buck. The truth is you don’t want to go for a variety of valid reasons. Be honest with your husband: Tell him you want to spend Thanksgiving at home because you need a rest and a break. Don’t focus on your in-laws’ flaws or on the baby’s potential fatigue or on your preschoolers’ potential misbehavior. The fact is, the baby is likely to sleep the ride away and your older children are probably oblivious to Grandma’s house rules.

The postpartum months are never easy especially when you have two high-energy preschoolers already -- and family visits can be stressful under the best of circumstances. So ask your husband to stay home for your sake. If he absolutely must see his parents over the holidays, suggest that he take the older kids for a short visit, while you rest at home with the baby.