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Adapted from my bimonthly column in Family Circle Magazine. If you have other questions, click here.
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From my book, THE 7 STAGES OF MOTHERHOOD
Most of us become mothers in our minds the minute that second pink line blooms in the plastic window or the call to the doctor’s office confirms the news. We breathe a little differently, see a different reflection in the mirror long before our contours actually change. We may go about the mundane business of our lives, but we’re already acutely aware that nothing will ever be the same, that our own personal history – and that of our baby-to-be -- is about to change in ways that are thrilling and terrifying. In many ways, your fantasies about the future are as important as the little cluster of cells floating inside you. Pregnancy is a three-in-one deal: There’s the physical baby you’re carrying, the imagined one in your dreams, and your picture of yourself as a mother. They’re all important, all part of what makes pregnancy the seminal journey of any woman’s life.
Few of us take the time to indulge in these fantasies or to give voice to them, especially if they tip precariously toward the dark side. But carving out the emotional and psychological space to plan for your new life and, more important, for your new sense of yourself, is critical. There are plenty of evolutionary explanations as to why we carry our babies for nine long months, but I’m convinced that those last few weeks, when our bodily changes (and quite a few functions) seem totally out of control, are an apt metaphor for motherhood. “If you think you look and feel completely different now,” Mother Nature laughs, “then just wait…”
>Read more >Buy the book now
Question:
As my maternity leave comes to an end, I'm filled with anxiety that our three-month-old will suffer. She's very uneasy around anyone except her dad and me. Any suggestions on how to prepare her for the coming transition to day care?
Answer:
Before you worry about preparing your daughter, you need to prepare yourself – and your husband – for this big step. Even if you’ve found a modern day Mary Poppins or a model center, leaving your baby in someone else’s care is a heart-wrenching experience, so give yourself the time and the space to examine your feelings and to air them with your husband.
The most important thing to remember is that you need someone who is, first and foremost, on your side. We often make the mistake of looking for child care that is all about our baby’s needs. But one of the keys to navigating this transition from home to work is having someone who is there for you. This means a person or people who support working mothers, and really believe that you’ve made the right choice. If your baby is in center-based care, then you want a place that regularly provides information about what your baby has been doing, not because it will necessarily help her, but because you want to be in on her day. A center or in-home provider should also welcome your occasional surprise visits. Anyone who seems judgmental, arrogant, or so obsequious that she would obviously never tell you if she were having a problem is not the person to hire. A center that holds a dim view of parents who question, call regularly, or stop by is not the one for your daughter.
A few weeks before your scheduled return to work, drop by and spend some time at the center. Or, if you’re hiring an in-home provider, make sure she has ample opportunity to get to know you and your baby before the big day. Take the time to point out the ways your baby likes to be held, the kinds of routines she’s used to, and the style of parenting you want your provider to emulate. The more you share, the better you’ll feel, and the more likely your daughter will be to pick up on your positive, optimistic attitude.
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