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Adapted from my bimonthly column in Family Circle Magazine. If you have other questions, click here.
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From my book, THE 7 STAGES OF MOTHERHOOD
For mothers of teens, letting go is the seminal challenge of this phase of our lives. And only the ‘superhuman’ or the ‘comatose’ can pull it off without experiencing feelings of loss, resentment, anger, and exhaustion. On the other hand, if this process of change and separation produces a well-deserved feeling of pride and accomplishment, not to mention the pleasure of sharing life with an almost-full-fledged adult, then the teen years can be golden ones.
In fact, you may find that behavior that one day drives you screaming from the house can actually prove exciting, even charming, the next. For example, as your teenager’s brainpower develops, so does her ability to formulate more mature opinions. She may still assume you’re “totally wrong” before you’ve even opened your mouth, but the argument that follows has the potential to be far more engaging, interesting, and adult than discussions were a year or two ago. Your child’s growing brain contributes to her improved debating skills, her ability to employ sarcasm, appreciate a pun, and maybe, just maybe, concede that you have a point.
Unfortunately, certain aspects of your teen’s growing brain may lead him to do some incredibly lame brained things. Adolescents are notorious risk takers, a tendency that neurologists are beginning to explain by actually looking at the physiology of those areas of the brain that are associated with decision making. Once a child enters adolescence, his mortality rate soars by 300 percent. The vast majority of teens (78 percent) try alcohol in high school, with some five million admitting to binge drinking at least once a month. One out of every five kids has sexual intercourse before turning fifteen and far more are engaging in oral sex or other sex play they think “doesn’t count.”
Reading these statistics or, worse, recognizing that your kid is in pain or in trouble, as many are during adolescence, can make this phase of motherhood feel less like the toddler years and more like infancy. Just as you were probably advised to “trust your gut” or to “read your baby’s signals” at a time when your gut twisted into a pretzel every time your newborn cried, your attempts to read your teen’s behavior now inevitably run headlong into a wall of self-doubt and insecurity. When Maddie was a fragile, helpless newborn, exquisitely ill equipped to tell me what she needed, how could I know for sure that I had done the right thing? When she was a young teenager, increasingly independent, vulnerable, and unwilling to tell me what she needed, how could I know for sure that I had done the right thing? Panic attacks, which I associated with my first months as a mother, were part and parcel of my experience of the kids’ adolescence.
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Question:
My son recently graduated from college and announced he was moving back
in with us. I know I should be happy and welcome him into the nest, but
I'm actually disappointed and slightly resentful of sacrificing the time
and space I've enjoyed for four years with my husband. I find I'm kind of
snappish on the phone with my son, but I'm so guilt-ridden I haven't even
discussed this with my husband.
Answer:
You should definitely clue Dad in; he’s probably as ambivalent about your son’s imminent return as you are – not to mention that it’s his closet that may soon be raided on a regular basis. In addition to talking openly and honestly about your conflicting feelings, try to come up with a list of expectations and a plan of action. For example, many parents of the “boomerang” generation charge rent or expect their kids to contribute to the family coffers. Even if you don’t need the money, asking your son to pay for some of the groceries reinforces the message that he’s an adult member of the household. It also gives him a chance to see how a budget works.
You and your husband should also discuss chores and house rules before Johnny comes marching home with four years’ worth of laundry and a live-in girlfriend. If you disagree about curfews or about any of these rules, now is the time to hash out your differences and form a united front, because feeling unsupported by your spouse and ambivalent about your son will guarantee a less-than-convivial homecoming.
To make your son feel welcome, bear a couple of things in mind. Just as you’ve probably changed during the past four years, he has too. You may find that he’s a lot more responsible, thoughtful, interesting, and eager for independence than you’re anticipating. He needs to know that you believe in his ability to find a job and to save enough money to move on. With that in mind, your most important decision will be when to send him on his way. Whether that’s two months or two years is up to the three of you to hash out, but don’t let the deadline question drift. Knowing that you’ll have your empty nest back eventually will make it much easier to weather the inevitable ups and downs of parenting an almost-adult child.
Question:
My youngest -- almost 18 -- will be graduating this spring and going off to college. I want to savor these last months, but she's so busy with her friends and graduation plans and college that she's rarely around. When she does come home, I find I'm angry and resentful.
Answer:
A wise psychologist, Helen Deutsch, once wrote, “Woman’s two great tasks are to shape her unity with the child in a harmonious manner and later to dissolve it harmoniously.” In other words, our goal is to work ourselves out of the job we spend a lifetime perfecting. But as that little pink slip hovers in your subconscious, your desire to hold on a little longer, to celebrate the years you’ve spent raising your daughter, to reminisce, maybe even to receive some recognition for the myriad sacrifices you’ve made, can take hold with surprising force. The fact that you feel angry and resentful probably reflects the mix of feelings you’re experiencing at this time – including anticipating the sadness of sending her off and the loneliness of an empty nest.
It may help to recognize that your daughter’s need to be around her friends probably reflects her own anxiety about leaving home. Many soon-to-graduate seniors become highly aloof, even belligerent, just before they leave home as a defense against the painful feelings of loss they’re experiencing.
In lieu of hanging around the house, waiting for your daughter to slow down and throw you a bone, schedule a date. Even something as low key as shopping together or having lunch might give you a chance to tell her how proud you are of her, how exciting – yet sad – this transitional time promises to be, and how you would most like to spend the months before she leaves. Even more important, help her explore how she’s feeling and be patient if she doesn’t open up right away. By focusing on her feelings, you’re sending the crucial message that even when she’s far from home, she can pick up the phone and you’ll be listening.
Question:
My 14-year-old son is a classic “couch potato.” He spends hours in front of the TV and no matter what we do to try to get him moving, he finds a way back to the couch – or to the set in our bedroom. He’s gone from chubby to seriously heavy and has dropped a lot of the sports activities he used to enjoy. We’re really worried.
Answer:
It’s important to understand why your teen has experienced such a change. Find out how he feels about himself and if anything on the academic and social landscape has upset him. His inactivity could be a cry for help. Despite how he might feel about himself now you and your husband can inspire him to feel better and avoid future health risks by following a few simple tips. Weight-loss specialist Jorge Cruise says support and encouragement are paramount. Cruise suggests three key steps the family can practice together. First, encourage your son to turn a significant amount of tube time into physical activity. Help him choose an activity you can do together at least three times a week and that he can enjoy for life. Becoming a paperboy or dog walker could have the added benefit of earning spending money while getting exercise. Then rid your cabinets of tempting snacks and don’t eat anything your son can’t. Practice eating balanced meals. This means paying attention to portion size and nutrition. A good rule of thumb is to practice dividing the plate in two. Your teen can have fruits and veggies on one side and carbohydrates on the other. Once he learns to boost his energy levels with exercise and a new diet, a heightened self-esteem is sure to follow.
Question:
My 18-year-old daughter just delivered the stunning news that she and her boyfriend, who’s 23, are engaged and that she has changed her mind about going to college. My husband and I are totally freaked out by this news; we think she’s going to ruin her life. What can I do?
Answer:
If your daughter is a legal adult in your state, then there isn’t much you can do to prevent her from going ahead with her plans. And, in any case, you probably don’t want to come on too strong and risk jeopardizing her trust in you. Even if she did pick up on your less-than-enthusiastic initial reaction, you need to do as much as possible to keep the lines of communication open by respecting her feelings.
Before you can have a meaningful, levelheaded conversation, you need to figure out what bothers you the most. If her decision to forgo college is keeping you up at night, then you might research a local two-year junior college and encourage her to consider an extended engagement. Or at least urge her to consider both marriage and college; the two paths aren’t mutually exclusive.
If you harbor doubts about your future son-in-law’s commitment to your daughter or know her to be highly impulsive or ambivalent about her boyfriend, then draw her out as much as possible about him and their plans. Remember, you have two ears and one mouth for a reason: Do a lot more listening than talking. Your goal is to learn as much as possible about their relationship and their expectations for their marriage. Your daughter may discover that she’s slamming doors on options she had never considered or that she has not been true to her own aspirations. On the other hand, you may find that she’s thought through her decision very carefully and that she wants to start a life with this man whom she loves deeply. As we all learn early on the motherhood path, the heartbreaking truth is that we can’t control our children’s feelings or their future.
Question:
My 16-year-old daughter has been dating an 18-year-old boy for over a year. At first, he showered her with gifts and attention, but when he became very demanding and jealous, she broke it off. There were more gifts, long intense phone calls when he swore he would change. She started seeing him again. Recently he insisted she stop socializing with girlfriends, because he wanted her to spend all her free time with him. When he criticized her clothes as too sexy, she started dressing down. She’s not the carefree girl we know and love. My gut tells me this relationship is bad news.
Answer:
You’re wise to trust your gut, because there are several signs that point to this being an abusive relationship. Dating violence is a serious problem for 22 percent of high schoolers and often includes isolation, jealousy, possessiveness, guilt trips, a cycle of abuse and gifts, and restrictions on a partner’s freedom. The fact that she seems subdued and that you notice differences in her dress could also signal serious trouble in her relationship.
Having your complete support will be key to your daughter’s ability to break the cycle she’s in. When you sit down to talk, focus on her strengths; help her remember how happy and easy-going she seemed before she became involved with this boy; most important, ask her how she’s feeling. Listen carefully. If she admits to having a hard time handling the relationship, don’t criticize her or pepper your comments with “you should have…” which will only add to her feelings of victimization. Instead, praise her for trying to manage a really tough situation and bolster her confidence in her ability to break it off.
If she decides she wants to end the relationship, tell her you’re behind her all the way and help her to script what will be an extremely difficult conversation. Coach her to be decisive in her tone and in her choice of words; it’s not a negotiation. Even if he threatens to kill himself (another typical pattern in abusive relationships), she has to make no mean no. Last, but not least, urge her to enlist the help of friends and trusted teachers. It’s not unusual for a spurned boyfriend to stalk or harass (read abuse) their ex.
Question:
Our three-year-old is driving me nuts. She complains incessantly about everything – from the fit of her clothes to the way I cut her sandwich. I spend the day in a state of irritation and I’m beginning to think our relationship will never improve.
Answer:
Adopting the policy of “this too shall pass” can be a gift to you and your daughter. After an exhausting day of whining it’s hard not to feel doomed that she will grow up into an irritable, dissatisfied adult, but that’s the worst thing you can do. Dramatizing the situation will be a stumbling block for your relationship. Labeling her as “difficult” or “head strong” could become a self-fulfilling prophecy.
To help your daughter (and your family) through this stage, you need to work with -- not against -- her personality. If her temperament is intense, reactive and sensitive she might need to stick to a routine even if it conflicts with your own easy going and spontaneous tendencies. Try giving her words to express herself, emphasizing that ""babies whine, big girls talk.” Avoid power struggles at all costs. Don’t feel as though you have to win. Chances are she hears “no” so often from adults that enabling her to play a role in the decision-making when it comes to clothes and food could make her more agreeable. If she’s highly sensitive child preview and review what's going to happen next. This will to help your daughter feel more in control when she can prepare for transitions.
Question:
Our three-year-old is driving me nuts. She complains incessantly about everything – from the fit of her clothes to the way I cut her sandwich. I spend the day in a state of irritation and I’m beginning to think our relationship will never improve.
Answer:
Adopting the policy of “this too shall pass” can be a gift to you and your daughter. After an exhausting day of whining it’s hard not to feel doomed that she will grow up into an irritable, dissatisfied adult, but that’s the worst thing you can do. Dramatizing the situation will be a stumbling block for your relationship. Labeling her as “difficult” or “head strong” could become a self-fulfilling prophecy.
To help your daughter (and your family) through this stage, you need to work with -- not against -- her personality. If her temperament is intense, reactive and sensitive she might need to stick to a routine even if it conflicts with your own easy going and spontaneous tendencies. Try giving her words to express herself, emphasizing that ""babies whine, big girls talk.” Avoid power struggles at all costs. Don’t feel as though you have to win. Chances are she hears “no” so often from adults that enabling her to play a role in the decision-making when it comes to clothes and food could make her more agreeable. If she’s highly sensitive child preview and review what's going to happen next. This will to help your daughter feel more in control when she can prepare for transitions.
Question:
I have a 3 1/2-year-old who is fascinated by guns, knives, and violence. He gets angry very easily and when he’s mad, he says he’s going to shoot me or stab me. If I take away his toy guns and knives, he makes them out of other toys. I am an at-home mom, who has tried everything I can think of to settle him down. What can you suggest?
Answer:
Learning to control anger is a lifelong process – and a particular challenge for little boys who are highly active and easily frustrated. (It’s not so easy for big boys and girls either.) Your goal should be to get rid of the guns, not the feelings.
According to Howard Spivak, M.D., a pediatrician at the Floating Hospital for Children in Boston and Chair of the American Academy of Pediatrics task force on violence, three-year-olds who yell, “I’m going to stab you!” don’t really know what they’re saying. But they are excellent mimics. “You need to ask yourself whether he’s been exposed to violent behavior in the media or at home,” says Dr. Spivak. “Often adults will shout in anger ‘I’m going to kill you!’ and although we’re speaking figuratively, our kids don’t know that.”
You also need to keep him away from violent entertainment, including all those Saturday morning cartoons in which conflicts are resolved with fists, knives, guns, lasers, and futuristic weapons of destruction. “Look for videos and TV shows that promote caring, tolerance, and other pro-social messages,” advises Myriam Miedzian, author of Boys Will Be Boys: Breaking the Link Between Masculinity and Violence (Doubleday, 1991). According to Miedzian, there is ample research evidence that empathy is inversely related to violence, which is why it’s so important to model positive conflict resolution. “Because a close relationship between a son and a nonviolent, caring father is a significant deterrent to violent behavior in boys, get your husband or a close male relative involved,” Miedzian says.
You might also consider enrolling your son in a preschool or daycare program. “He needs to be in settings where he gets to learn and practice positive social interactions with his peers and where there are adults, trained in child development, who can give him feedback about his interactions and teach him how to negotiate,” says Dr. Spivak. “Also, most professional day care centers and preschools don’t allow guns or play that involves imaginary guns. They tend to promote more positive kinds of play.”
Even if daycare or preschool isn’t in your son’s immediate future, disarmament should be. You don’t have to dismantle his arsenal all at once, but you should weed out the most realistic of his guns and definitely not add to the collection. More important, help him to use words to describe his emotions. “Tell him how you feel when he says he’s going to stab you,” says Miedzian.
Dr. Spivak agrees: “Be very specific: Look him in the eye and say, ‘I don’t like it when you say that. It makes me feel bad.’ At the same time, teach him how to express his anger: ‘I can see that you’re really upset and angry. Tell me what’s wrong, but no yelling.”
When he does manage to stay cool, to cooperate, or to act in a caring way, pump up the praise, advises Miedzian. Again, be specific: “I liked the way you shared that toy” or “It makes me feel so good when you ask me in that soft voice.” Last, but not least, watch your own behavior. There’s no parent alive who hasn’t lost her temper, especially when upset and angry, but it’s extremely important to resist fighting fire with fire. “In particular with kids who are highly aggressive, there should be no physical punishment. Even the threat of a spanking sends the message that when we’re mad, we hit,” warns Dr. Spivak. Telling your son that you need to take a time out (and then leaving the room briefly) will help both of you through this challenging period.
Question:
We have two sons, 6 and 4, and if they don’t put their toys back the minute they’re finished playing, my husband goes berserk and starts yelling. I know they need to learn responsibility, but isn’t he expecting a bit much from them?
Answer:
From a strictly developmental standpoint, your kids are definitely old enough to understand directions and obey simple rules. The question is whether Major General Dad is willing to give your sons more -- not less -- control over their toy chest. As you probably know, negative attention is better than none at all, so every time your husband “goes berserk,” he ironically gives the boys more power, according to Claire Lerner, LCSW, child development expert at Zero to Three, in Washington, D.C. “What’s most important in situations like these is to be on the same page, because if one parent sabotages the other, the situation will only get worse,” Lerner says. She recommends that you let your husband know you share his frustration, and that you have some constructive suggestions for changing the current pattern.
Start by examining how much control the kids have in other areas of their lives. Do you let them pick out their clothes? Does your husband act the martinet at mealtimes? “Sometimes we confuse being rigid with running a tight ship,” says Lerner. “Parents do best when they provide some limits, but remain flexible.” You might not want your boys to dictate what’s for dinner, but they could certainly select their dessert from a couple of options. In addition, advises Lerner, meet with your sons and challenge them to come up with some ideas for keeping their toys neat. “They’ll probably be so shocked and pleased that you’ve included them in the decision making that they’ll come through at clean-up time,” she predicts. An easy way to keep them on task is to use an egg timer. Set it for five minutes, explaining that when it dings , they need to start cleaning up. They may need some help initially in breaking down the job into discreet steps, but once they’re on track, set the timer again and tell them that the second bell means, “Job’s done.” If they drag their heels and don’t stay on task, then the natural consequence is no extra playtime after dinner, no books before bed. Conversely, if clean-up is a success, reward them with some family fun. “The message should be: When we work together and cooperate, we spend less time arguing and yelling and have more time for the stuff we love to do together,” says Lerner. And that’s a goal the whole family can say yes to.
Question:
Our third child (we have three-year-old twins) is due in early November.
My husband expects us to drive three hours to my in-laws for Thanksgiving.
My in-laws are very uptight, so I spend the entire time worrying that the
twins will make a mess or too much noise. I told my husband that the drive
will be too long for the baby and no fun for the twins, but he insists we
go.
Answer:
Stop passing the buck. The truth is you don’t want to go for a variety of
valid reasons. Be honest with your husband: Tell him you want to spend
Thanksgiving at home because you need a rest and a break. Don’t focus on
your in-laws’ flaws or on the baby’s potential fatigue or on your
preschoolers’ potential misbehavior. The fact is, the baby is likely to
sleep the ride away and your older children are probably oblivious to
Grandma’s house rules.
The postpartum months are never easy especially when you have two
high-energy preschoolers already -- and family visits can be stressful under
the best of circumstances. So ask your husband to stay home for your sake.
If he absolutely must see his parents over the holidays, suggest that he
take the older kids for a short visit, while you rest at home with the baby.
Question:
My mother-in-law is constantly undermining me as a mom. Whenever our boys (5
and 8) visit, she gives them sodas and candy, even though she knows I don’t
allow them a lot of sugar or she makes comments that make me feel
inadequate. My husband is a real “Mama’s Boy,” so he’s no help. But I don’t
want my negative feelings to affect my sons’ relationship with their
grandmother.
Answer:
Stop passing the buck. The truth is you don’t want to go for a variety of
valid reasons. Be honest with your husband: Tell him you want to spend
Thanksgiving at home because you need a rest and a break. Don’t focus on
your in-laws’ flaws or on the baby’s potential fatigue or on your
preschoolers’ potential misbehavior. The fact is, the baby is likely to
sleep the ride away and your older children are probably oblivious to
Grandma’s house rules.
The postpartum months are never easy especially when you have two
high-energy preschoolers already -- and family visits can be stressful under
the best of circumstances. So ask your husband to stay home for your sake.
If he absolutely must see his parents over the holidays, suggest that he
take the older kids for a short visit, while you rest at home with the baby.
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