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Adapted from my bimonthly column in Family Circle Magazine. If you have other questions, click here.
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From my book, THE 7 STAGES OF MOTHERHOOD
Depending on how you look at (and live) them, the preteen years can be either the shortest or the longest chapter in your mothering story. “There is no such thing as a preadolescent,” an editor friend of mine declared when I asked her about life with her ten-year-old son. “Ten is the new teen! He started fifth grade and it’s as if he’s plunged into high school. It’s such a radical change from fourth grade. Oh my God!”
During this stage of motherhood, the progression-regression dance our children perform daily can throw into question not only practical concerns like rules and routines but more profound issues like trust and boundaries. The challenge to know when to be your child’s pal and when to assert yourself, when to push and when to protect, forces many mothers to question with renewed intensity their roles at work, their involvement in their child’s school, and their connections with other parents, with their husband, and, of course, with their child.
It takes an ego of steel to navigate the preteen years, because one day your kid is going to wake up uncomfortable in her own body. And when she stands with one foot in childhood, the other in early adulthood, and struggles to maintain her balance, the person she will grab onto with a desperate, clawing intensity is you. Sandra, a single mom with two daughters, compared her eldest’s fifth and sixth-grade years as “living The Exorcist.” Shaking her head, she seemed to marvel at the fact that she and her daughter survived it at all. “I mean, I just felt as though Christa—who had been my sweet, obedient little girl—suddenly woke up with her head spinning around. I just wasn’t prepared. Not at all.”
In addition to the “velocity of change,” there’s often a volatility and intensity mothers say they associate with the toddler years. I spent much of Maddie’s preadolescence with my shoulders tensed up around my ears and my antennae quivering in anticipation of a major mood swing. When your daughter freaks out because the shirt she’s “gotta, gotta have right now” is still in the washing machine, or your son rants and raves when he realizes at 11 p.m. that his French quiz is demain, not next week, you’re likely to blame those “raging hormones.”
And certainly the approach of puberty brings about dramatic changes in a child’s endocrine system, changes that profoundly affect his ability to regulate his emotions. But it may actually be your preteen’s brain that’s short-circuiting, simply because the area that helps control emotions and make judgments (the prefrontal cortex) isn’t as developed as the limbic system, where emotions originate. The wet shirt throws her into a tailspin because she can’t stop and say, “Okay, this isn’t the end of the world. I have a drawer full of other shirts.” And while you may be tempted to use your own superior prefrontal cortex to offer solutions, don’t. Any attempt to proffer advice during the heat of a meltdown will be about as effective as banging your cerebral cortex against a wall.
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Question:
My 13-year-old son used to be an avid reader of quality kids’ books, but now he’ll only pick up “zines” and comics. I love to read and it drives me crazy to watch him pollute his brain with junk.
Answer:
Adolescence is all about defining who you are, especially in comparison to your parents. It’s no surprise that your son has closed the door on the one thing you care about. Happily, he hasn’t slammed that door in your face!
Even if reading about the local garage band’s wardrobe doesn’t qualify as literature in your book, resist the urge to make disparaging comments about his choices. Instead, discreetly encourage him to flex his reading muscles by treating him to a couple of magazine subscriptions or by suggesting novels and biographies on popular celebrities. You might even take on a screenplay like Almost Famous and then watch the movie together if he welcomes the idea. If not, respect his need for space and his normal desire to pursue his own road to erudition.
Question:
My 13-year-old son has always been a good student, but this year he suddenly seems completely unmotivated. Every night is a battle over homework and studying. My attempts to motivate him are just not working and creating enormous family stress.
Answer:
As much as we’d like our children’s progress to be a happy march forward, they inevitably stumble a few steps back before they surge ahead. This is especially true during the preteen years when they’re struggling with physical and emotional changes, as well as new pressures at school and among their friends. Some kids rise to the challenge, muscling on and staying focused, but the majority go through periods when they’re unmotivated, self-absorbed and seemingly oblivious to their parents’ prodding, pleading or punishing. Your son could be going through a rough time at school; seventh grade is a notoriously rocky year socially. Maybe he’s dumbing himself down, because smart kids are uncool. Or he could simply be feeling overloaded and rather than fail, he’s chosen to opt out. If the latter seems to be the case, schedule a meeting with your son’s teacher and see if he/she can provide some extra help or suggest a tutor.
If you think low self-esteem or a problem with friends is at the root of your son’s slump, take some time to think about what does pique his interest. Maybe sports or pop music or movies are front and center, in which case you might find a way for him to indulge his latest passion: guitar lessons or a weekend basketball league or volunteering to take local kids to the movies. The goal should be to help him feel good about himself, which in turn should spill over positively into his schoolwork.
In the meantime, don’t panic. Coming down hard on him because you’re worried he’s compromising his future won’t help get him back on track any faster and might undermine the most important message, namely, that you’re on his side.
Question:
I was a really good athlete as a kid, but in those pre-Title IX days, I had very few opportunities to participate in organized sports. Now my 11-year-old daughter is in a competitive soccer league and although I swore I would never be one of those ugly sidelines moms, I find that I often lose control at her games -- yelling angrily at the ref or giving my daughter a hard time after the game. She actually asked me not to come to her next big game. I felt terrible. What should I do?
Answer:
Don’t feel terrible. The fact that you’re aware of your behavior puts you ahead of the game. Far too many parents scream, taunt, berate -- even physically attack coaches, referees, and other adults -- without ever getting the help they need to change their obnoxious ways. In fact, according to a survey conducted in the early 1990s by Michigan State University, 14 of the 20 million American kids who participate in organized sports quit before age 13 citing the behavior of adults – particularly parents -- as the number-one reason for dropping out.
Your most important ally in changing your behavior is your daughter. Thank her for making you aware of how out-of-control you had become and tell her that you’re determined to improve. Ask her to describe what she likes best about playing soccer and what she wants to get out of it. Encourage her to talk about her strengths, the other girls on the team, the highs and lows of the game. Your goal is not to pass judgement or even to offer advice, but just to listen and learn what it’s like to stand in her cleats. Armed with this information, the next time she plays, you can target your praise, providing specific positive feedback. Whatever happens, don’t criticize her playing or that of other teammates. Even the opposing team should be off-limits to negative comments.
Before the next game, ask a friend or fellow soccer mom to help you monitor your behavior. You can even work up a simple signal or comment she should lob your way if you’re losing your cool. Inviting you for a little stroll or reminding you to take a deep breath and smile can actually make a big difference. When the game ends, model good sportsmanship. Thank the coach and referees; shout, “Good game!” to the opposing team and to your daughter’s team – especially if they’ve just lost. And, of course, tell your daughter how proud you were of her playing.
Bottom line: Remember you’re the adult and as much as we would all like to relive our youth and make up for missed opportunities, that’s not the way the game of life is played.
Question:
What should parents do about a child's right to privacy? My 12-year-old daughter has plastered her door with signs that say, ""keep out"" and ""no trespassing"". I want to respect her privacy, but I'm worried about Internet dangers. She has a computer in her room and won't let me read her email.
Answer:
You’re not alone in your struggle to walk the fine line between privacy and protection when it comes to parenting preteens. Your primary goals should be to foster awareness of Internet dangers, teach her online “street smarts,” and assure her that you will not be angry should something go wrong.
The rules you establish for your daughter should depend on her maturity, not her age. Is she generally trustworthy and responsible? Does she comply when you ask her to be home at a certain hour or to stop making phone calls at a specified time? If you trust she’ll come to you about any inappropriate online issues, then you should allow her some privacy. If you have reason to suspect that your daughter would not be able to handle an online predator, or might wander into an unsafe area, start by asking if she knows everyone she talks to online. If she isn’t certain, then you should strike a deal: You won’t read her email, but she must move the computer to a family room or common area of the house. Preteens are less likely to visit inappropriate websites or to get into trouble if you’re in the vicinity.
If your daughter manages to respect the rules and can demonstrate that she’s using her email privileges responsibly then you might let her move the computer back into her room, but keep the lines of communication between you about internet dangers open. Ask her to educate you about any online dangers or stories she hears from friends. Working as a team – like wandering an unknown neighborhood with a friend – is the best protection of all.
Question:
I have two children – a 12-year-old daughter and an 8-year-old son – and although I would describe my daughter as a sweet girl when she’s with her friends, she is anything but around her brother. Nothing he does is good enough; she puts him down constantly and teases him about almost everything. He tries to stand up to her, or pretends her words don’t hurt him, but I know she’s breaking his heart. And their fighting is breaking mine.
Answer:
It’s amazing how motherhood destroys our long-term memory. We give birth to child Number Two and fantasize that our first-born will embrace the intruder with little open arms. As our kids grow, so does the dream: Sister and brother will be best friends, look out for one another, share secrets and the TV remote control. Unfortunately, we often block out how we felt about our own siblings. Yes, there were times when your brother or sister flew to the rescue or whispered a confidence, but chances are there were many more occasions when your siblings teased, tortured, or trampled your turf; when you harbored dark fantasies of revenge; or when you read the story of Cain and Abel just for laughs.
This is not to say that your children will never be friends or that you should stand by while your daughter torments your son. The point is you cannot control how she feels about him and right now, but you can certainly police her behavior. Start with the Good Cop approach. Schedule a date with your daughter to do something fun together and while you’re having a snack or taking a walk, share what you’ve observed. Point out how she sounds when she talks to him or provide a couple of examples of things she’s said that you don’t want her to repeat. Appeal to her big sister status and tell her you know she’s mature enough to avoid the current vicious cycle. Explain that she can actually create a virtuous circle by paying him a compliment or doing something nice for him rather than putting him down. When he feels accepted, he’s much less likely to push her buttons.
Don’t expect a miracle. Your daughter is at the peak of pre-adolescent angst, struggling with feeling unattractive or awkward or both. While you work on her behavior, don’t hesitate to tell your son that this may be part of the problem and that he needs to respect her privacy and tolerate her mood swings.
Question:
My 12-year-old daughter attends school in a wealthy neighborhood. Her friends are constantly comparing notes on clothes, vacation plans, and name-brand purchases. My daughter complains that she doesn’t have “any of the right stuff”; I’m upset that she cares so much about these superficial things. Also, her constant requests make me feel inadequate.
Answer:
Your daughter is at an age when she and her peers have one desperate concern -- fitting in. Requests for expensive treats or brand-name clothes are her way of saying, “Please don’t make me feel different.” Although having the “right stuff” never guarantees “in-crowd” membership, it reduces the hormone-charged anxiety most girls experience during the preteen years.
It’s important to recognize that your daughter is not trying to make you feel inadequate, because the last thing you want to do is mirror her thinking. In order to change it, you should provide ample opportunities to boost her fragile self-esteem – not by telling her how great she is, but by letting her experience the feeling of pride in her accomplishments. There’s ample research that shows the benefits of community service during the teen years. Not only would volunteer work introduce your daughter to people who have a lot less than she does, but it would provide the kind of positive reinforcement she’s looking for from kids at school.
Question:
My 12-year-old daughter attends school in a wealthy neighborhood. Her friends are constantly comparing notes on clothes, vacation plans, and name-brand purchases. My daughter complains that she doesn’t have “any of the right stuff”; I’m upset that she cares so much about these superficial things. Also, her constant requests make me feel inadequate.
Answer:
Your daughter is at an age when she and her peers have one desperate concern -- fitting in. Requests for expensive treats or brand-name clothes are her way of saying, “Please don’t make me feel different.” Although having the “right stuff” never guarantees “in-crowd” membership, it reduces the hormone-charged anxiety most girls experience during the preteen years.
It’s important to recognize that your daughter is not trying to make you feel inadequate, because the last thing you want to do is mirror her thinking. In order to change it, you should provide ample opportunities to boost her fragile self-esteem – not by telling her how great she is, but by letting her experience the feeling of pride in her accomplishments. There’s ample research that shows the benefits of community service during the teen years. Not only would volunteer work introduce your daughter to people who have a lot less than she does, but it would provide the kind of positive reinforcement she’s looking for from kids at school.
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