 |
Adapted from my bimonthly column in Family Circle Magazine. If you have other questions, click here.
|
|
From my book, THE 7 STAGES OF MOTHERHOOD
Although we’re engaged in the push-pull dance of independence-dependence throughout our children’s lives, the many milestones of years one and two (first words, first steps, first friends) provide dramatic proof that our children can’t be controlled or constantly protected. During our children’s toddler years we move from holding their hands to holding our breath to occasionally holding our head in our hands.
There will be countless occasions during this stage of motherhood when your own separation anxiety wrestles with your toddler’s natural desire to become more independent. Sometimes the result is a full-fledged tantrum—his or yours. Sometimes it’s a far more subtle and insidious series of mixed signals. Just eavesdrop in the hallway of a day-care center, or listen, as I did, to a mom as she bids good-bye to her toddler on the morning of her first music class: “Okay, sweetheart, Mommy’s going now.”
Suzy picks up a tambourine and starts to shake it.
“Bye-bye, honey,” Mom says a little plaintively.
“Bye-bye,” Suzy replies, still shaking the tambourine.
“I’ll see you very, very soon,” Mom says, a question mark nibbling at the edges of her statement. Suzy doesn’t seem to hear. “I’m going now, okay?”
“Okay.”
“I’ll see you later. You have a good time, okay?” Suzy seems to detect a note of uncertainty, and a tiny cloud crosses her brow. “Don’t be sad. We’ll be together very, very soon,” Mom says, then asks for one last hug.
Suzy runs to her mom and bursts into tears. “Mama no go! Mama no go!”
Mom sighs and looks desperately over at the teacher, who helps pry Suzy from Mom’s coat. She dashes out, alternately waving, shouting encouragement, and wiping tears away.
This particular scenario brought back vivid memories of my children’s toddler years and my tendency to unwittingly undermine their strides toward independence. I can’t count the number of times I lingered too long, practically inviting my kids to do their baby-starfish routine, plastering themselves against my legs, as I miserably tried to exit.
>Read more >Buy the book now
Question:
My sister and I gave birth to our first children just three months apart. They’re now two years old. My parents lavish attention, time and gifts on my nephew but rarely even bother to visit my daughter. I am furious that they are hurting her feelings this way and my anger is affecting my relationship with my sister as well."
Answer:
No matter how grown-up we think we are, it’s tough to bury the axe, which is why sibling rivalry persists well into old age. It’s hard to put old hurts behind you, especially when you think your child’s feelings are at stake. But are they? Chances are your daughter is not keeping score, but developing a relationship with her grandparents that, while different, may ultimately be as close and loving as that of her cousin.
The wounded party is you, and given your obvious desire to keep your relationship with your sister strong, you shouldn’t let your understandable feelings of resentment fester.
It’s likely that your parents are totally unaware of their preferential treatment of their grandson, so you’ll need to be highly diplomatic and positive when you talk to them. Nancy Samalin, author of Love without Spoiling (McGraw Hill, 2002) suggests that you say something like, “It makes Jenny so happy when you visit. She loves spending time with you. I know you don’t mean to neglect her or spend a lot more time with Johnny, but that’s how it feels sometimes.” Then try to schedule regular visits, so you’re not put in a position of waiting for the phone to ring. "
Question:
Recently, our son, who is almost three, started calling my husband by his first name, which drives him crazy. How can we get him to use "Daddy" instead of "Pete"? "
Answer:
Had William Shakespeare put aside his quill pen to study child psychology, he would probably address your dilemma by asking, “Daddy? Daddy? Wherefore art thou Daddy? A father by any other name would smell as sweet." In other words, tell your husband that what your little boy calls him is no indication of the depth of his love. In fact, he may consider “Pete” a more affectionate appellation than “Dad,” because the person he’s imitating is you – the other star in his galaxy. Wanting to emulate his two most favorite people, he will try out not only the language you use with one another but, no doubt, the ways you demonstrate your love for one another. You can either start referring to your husband as “Daddy” (“Let’s give Dad a big hug”) or you can take a deep breath and repeat a wise axiom attributed to Shakespeare’s nurse: “This, too, shall pass.”
Question:
It seems that my adorable 18-month-old has entered the “terrible twos” early. His favorite word is “no” and he’s a pro at testing our patience. Dad seems to think our son deserves tough love and strict discipline and accuses me of being too soft. Our different discipline styles are tearing us apart.
Answer:
Most good-cop/bad-cop dilemmas require firmness and flexibility. This may sound like a contradiction in terms, but very few discipline challenges can be solved with a rulebook alone. You and your husband need to be flexible enough to tolerate – even incorporate – different parenting approaches in your relationship with your son. Your goal isn’t to clone one another, because even at 18 months, your son has learned that Mom and Dad are different people with somewhat different expectations.
That said, you need to sit down and discuss the top four or five limits and consequences you most want to enforce right now. This is a critical step in forming a united front, and you should plan to regroup on a regular basis, because your list of behavioral dos and don’ts will have to change to keep pace with your toddler.
If you find that you’re at loggerheads during these pow-wows, then you might want to enlist the help of a preschool teacher or child psychologist – someone who can give you a better sense of what to expect of your son and what discipline tools might work best. For example, “No!” may be his mantra these days because he hears it all the time from the adults in his life. Providing an environment that he can explore safely, so you’re not constantly admonishing him, may help. Using very brief time-outs when you see he’s getting worked up or to send the message, “You need to calm down a little,” tends to be more effective than forcing him to spend a protracted period of time on a chair or isolated in his room.
At the same time, it's important to leave some room for your different discipline styles. It’s not so bad for your son to learn that Dad may be a little stricter than Mom. What you want to avoid is opportunities for him to play one of you against the other as his negotiation skills mature. A child who senses he has too much power is often very insecure and unhappy. What he needs most of all is for his parents to work as a team, respecting their differences, and working out disagreements.
Question:
My husband is a wonderful, adoring father. When he comes home from work,
he rushes past me to embrace our 2-year-old daughter, and happily plays with
her for hours .I suppose I should be grateful , but I am ashamed to admit
that I’m jealous.
Answer:
It’s both normal and quite common for one parent to feel pushed out of a
marriage by a baby. Often Dad plays second fiddle during a baby’s first few
months, while Mom handles more of the baby care. Now that your daughter is a
toddler and enjoys active play, your husband probably finds it particularly
fun and gratifying to interact with her. Unless you feel as though he is
intentionally excluding you or seems to want to hurt your feelings, then
your best bet may be to arrange some one-on-one time with him. A weekend
away alone together would be ideal, but even dinner at a nice restaurant
might be enough to rekindle the connection you’re longing for.
If he continues to edge you out, find a time to tell him how you feel. He
may admit to having experienced similar emotions when your daughter was an
infant. Make sure he knows how much you appreciate his help, which you don’t
want to discourage, and see if you can brainstorm some ways to team up
together when you’re with your daughter. As much as your daughter enjoys
being with her Daddy, she’ll be twice as happy to have both of you wrapped
around her little pinkies.
|
|
